When Do You Need A Paternity Lawyer?

when do you need a paternity lawyer

California has very clear laws about parental responsibilities, including child support, for biological or adopted children. A family law or paternity attorney is always recommended if:

Someone claims you are the father of a child, but you don’t believe you are.
You suspect you are the father, and the mother is denying your parental rights.
Your relationship with the child(ren)’s mother is contentious or combative, and you want to set clear guidelines and legally binding agreements in the future.

Benefits Of Hiring A Family Law Attorney Or Paternity Lawyer

The longer you wait to hire a family lawyer and resolve any potential paternity conflicts, the better. Here are some of the many benefits of hiring a paternity lawyer for professional and objective support.

Support your child’s emotional well-being

First and foremost, creating a clear path to establishing paternity (or the lack thereof) is essential to your child’s emotional well-being. In most cases, paternity cases occur when the child is in the first one to two years of life. Even so, children are significantly impacted by any anger, drama, strain, or tension between the adults in their lives.

In some cases, this may mean that you are out of the loop because the paternity test proved you were not the father. In other cases, we’ll help you move forward by honoring your legal and emotional obligations for a healthy relationship with your child. If you find out you are the father of an older child, consider working with a family therapist to help you bond and work through challenging emotions as they arise.

Use child custody mediation instead of a trial

Child custody battles are costly on every front: financially, energetically, and emotionally. They should be avoided if at all possible. Pursuing child custody mediation is a very affordable way for you and the child’s other parent to navigate all of the current decisions – and to help you both create longer-term co-parenting agreements (See #5) in a calm, straightforward way. Plus, working with a mediator can save you thousands of dollars.

Working with a neutral, third-party family law mediator ensures you both have all of the information you need, along with experienced insight into how a judge would likely decide things in the courtroom. Thus, you can navigate the child support, custody, visitation, and other legal agreements as efficiently and drama-free as possible.

Get clear and current with financial child support responsibilities

California family law courts take a very black-and-white approach when it comes to child custody. If you are the father – whether you knew about it or not – you are responsible for child support payments. Period.

This includes back payment for the time between when the child was born and the present. You should know that back child support payments in CA are charged at 10% interest by the state, and that is payable to the custodial parent. Not clarifying what you owe and how to pay it is one of the biggest child support mistakes you can make.

Time is of the essence here. With the support of a paternity attorney, we can work with you to complete the CA child support calculator (and legally obtain the other parent’s financial records if they’re not cooperating) so you can begin taking care of your financial responsibility.

In cases where fathers find out months or even years later that they are fathers, a timely response yields a more favorable view from the judges. This can help you when it’s time to craft child custody and visitation schedules.

Create legal child custody and visitation agreements

The courts are very supportive of both parents having ample time with their children, whether they were married or in a relationship with the other parent or not. Having legal child custody agreements and visitation schedules is essential. It creates the scaffold for predictability, consistency, and routine for the child. Of course, life happens and there may be variances that are agreed upon (always get them in writing via email or text record) but that court schedule should serve as the foundation for collaborative co-parenting.

NOTE: If you feel the safety of the child is in question as the result of physical, emotional, or verbal abuse OR due to substance abuse/mental health issues, your family law or paternity lawyer can also help you file an emergency child custody order to protect your child’s best interests.

Set the stage for positive (or at least neutral) co-parenting

It’s not easy co-parenting with another adult, especially as the adults move on with their lives. However, all of the studies prove that adults who can rise above the conflicts/tension, focusing on the child’s well-being and smooth co-parenting exponentially benefit their child.

Children with parents who get along or at least cooperate around their child’s lives:

Do better in school.
Have reduced risks of depression, anxiety, or behavioral issues.
Form healthier and more stable relationships with their peers.
Sleep better.
Are more confident and have a better sense of self.
Never feel torn between being loyal or protective of either parent.

Your paternity attorney can help you work with the child’s other parent to create co-parenting agreements that outline the preferred methods of communication, child support payments, vacation notice, etc.

The Law Offices of Gerard A. Falzone Can Support Your Paternity Process

Contact the law office of Gerard A. Falzone to learn more about how we can support you as you establish paternity and begin navigating the legal paperwork and filing associated with child support, custody, and visitation. We’ve spent the last 40 years helping Bay Area parents create co-parenting plans that support everyone’s well-being without the drama and trauma typically associated with these types of scenarios.

What Is Supervised Visitation?

what is supervised visitation Most people think about child custody and visitation schedules as every other weekend, alternating holidays, or the division of school vacation times. However, there is another version of the child custody agreement where one parent has sole physical custody of a child while the other parent is granted supervised visits.

Family Law Expert Explains Child Custody & Supervised Visitation

Supervised visits can take place in a variety of locations, but they are limited in time and require that a neutral third party be present while the non-custodial parent is present (more on that below). They are typically ordered in child custody cases where the non-custodial parent’s “fitness” is questionable or has conditional stipulations.

When To Seek Supervised Visits

Judges are most likely to order supervised child visits when:

The parent has a known substance abuse issue.
There are allegations/history of domestic violence or child abuse.
There are allegations or a history of domestic violence.
The court believes there is a child abduction risk.
There is a history of unmanaged mental illness that compromises their ability to parent safely.
The parent is guilty of child neglect (which can include an extended absence of the parent from a child’s life, in which case the court grants supervised visits for a specific length of time to help the child feel safer in the parent’s presence).
Any reason a judge feels could pose a threat to the child during unsupervised visits.

Keep in mind that you cannot keep your child away from a parent because you feel they are dangerous. If that is the case, it’s essential that you contact your county family law courts or a reputable family attorney to file an emergency child custody and visitation order.

Who Qualifies As A Neutral Provider During Supervised Visitation Sessions?

California’s family law courts are very flexible about who is designated as the “neutral” provider who supervises the visit, but specific conditions must be met. If those aren’t met by someone you or the child knows, the court assigns a social worker, and their reasonable fee is paid for by the non-custodial parent (free and low-cost options are available for income-qualifying parents).

If the court orders supervised child visits, you can decide whether you have a qualifying non-professional provider willing to do the job (this is often more comfortable for the child) or whether a professional provider would be best.

The role of the neutral supervisor is to:

Make safety their top priority during the visit or exchange.
Speak the same language as the parents and child.
Be neutral
Be comfortable following the judge’s order.
Feel comfortable ending a visit if needed.

They also agree to:

Be present at all times during the visit.
Listen to what is being said.
Pay close attention to the child’s behavior.
Report any suspected child abuse.
Feel comfortable interrupting or ending the visit if they have concerns.

Because nonprofessional providers don’t have the same training as professionals, we don’t recommend using one if you believe your child is in physical danger or could be abducted during a visit – even with the neutral provider present. In that case, a professional provider is a better option.

Nonprofessional providers

Non-professional providers can be any trusted family member or friend who:

Is over 18 years of age.
Has NO record of child abuse, molestation, or any crime against another person.
Has not been on parole or probation for the past 10 years.
Has reviewed the child custody agreement and understands the responsibility and how to carry out their role.
Does not create any antagonism, negative engagement, confrontation, or angst toward the child’s non-custodial parent.
Must complete Form FL-324(NLP) and return it to the custodial parent to file with the court.

They should also read and familiarize themselves with the CA court’s Guide For Non-Professional Providers, which has a wealth of helpful information.

Professional Providers

If a suitable nonprofessional option is unavailable, the judge can assign a professional provider. These providers have been trained for the task and know how to handle sticky or potentially dangerous situations.

Professional providers may require payment if the non-custodial parent doesn’t qualify for free or low-cost options.

How Long Are Supervised Visits With Children?

The length of visits varies depending on:

The age of the child.
Work/school schedules.
Availability of the provider.

In addition to the child’s comfort, safety, and well-being, parents should always focus on quality over quantity. It’s much better to schedule shorter visits filled with fun bonding activities than to plan a longer visit where a child grows bored, restless, or anxious. These visits are all about building trust and strong, loving relationships.

When Can More Traditional Unsupervised Visitation Begin?

There’s no easy answer to this question and the court is the ultimate deciding factor here.

Sometimes, the court stipulates specific conditions that must be met by the non-custodial parent, after which unsupervised visitation commences. This is very common in situations where addiction or substance abuse is the most concerning factor. Once the parent has completed things like rehab, established a sponsor, and regularly attends a sobriety program (like AA or NA), they may automatically resume a pre-determined visitation schedule assigned by the court.

In other cases, the non-custodial parent may have to petition the court to request changes to the child custody agreement. Again, they are responsible for proving to the court that they are fit enough to have unsupervised visits or to have more traditional, extended visits with their child.

Use Child Mediation To Avoid Scenarios Leading To Supervised Child Visitation

A history of domestic abuse or child endangerment is one thing, but sometimes, it is the toxicity between divorcing adults that leads to a temporary supervised visitation schedule. And, while it might seem like vindictive punishment to the parent who’s lost custody, it’s more harmful to the child or children who are stripped of yet another element that brought them a sense of security and stability in their lives.

The more couples can do to prioritize their children’s mental and emotional health, including using divorce mediation or collaborative divorce options, the less likely one or the other is to make rash decisions that lead to unhealthy outcomes for the children and family.

The Law Offices of Gerard A. Falzone are committed to keeping divorces as straightforward as possible, minimizing toxic contention, stress, and drama. Contact us to learn more about how we help Bay Area couples get through their divorces while prioritizing everyone’s well-being.

Therapy Before A Divorce: Beyond Saving The Marriage

therapy before a divorce beyond saving the marriage Divorce is never an easy path, but working with an experienced therapist can certainly ease the way forward into a healthy and more sustainable relational life.

The combination of family therapy before and during a divorce, along with the skilled facilitation of a divorce mediator, can truly transform the way both parties move through the divorce proceedings.

5 Reasons To Seek Therapy Before A Divorce

People often assume that seeing a therapist before a divorce is about saving the marriage. While this may—and can—be true from time to time, most individuals or couples are sure about their decision by the time they file for divorce.

Even so, I always recommend that they visit a therapist of some kind before, during, and immediately after the proceedings. Here’s why:

Facilitate the smoothest way forward

Nobody benefits from a contentious divorce. In addition to being incredibly expensive, drawn-out divorces, which are often more about ego than they are about finding the fairest way to separate and begin a new life, are hard on everyone.

Your therapist can help you both process individual emotions – including anger, stress, betrayal, stress, etc. – while also helping you both learn to communicate respectfully and decide the best way forward with the least amount of time, energy, and money wasted.

Ensure your children have the support they need

Children are innocent bystanders in a divorce. The statistics are very clear that children whose parents are divorced are at higher risk for depression, anxiety, lack of self-esteem, and trouble in the classroom.

Most therapists will tell you that it takes at least four sessions for most clients (of any age) to be comfortable sharing the good, the bad, and the embarrassing with them. One or two sessions are not enough to determine how your child is faring, especially if your child is more introverted by nature or is in the tween/teen phase. By continuing to see a therapist week after week, you allow your child to slowly build trust and rapport with the therapist. Over time, children will feel more comfortable sharing how they are genuinely doing, which can provide invaluable insight into how to continue moving forward as a co-parenting family (more on that next).

The ramifications of divorce last for years. While this doesn’t mean your child needs to be in therapy for years, longer is better than shorter when it comes to children feeling comfortable expressing their feelings and finding the personalized tools that help them process intense emotions as they come up.

Parents benefit from therapy too

I recommend seeing the same therapist individually and with your child (from time to time). The better the therapist gets a feel for each family member and hears their story, the better they can help your family in the long run when it comes to problem-solving and co-parenting agreements – as well as how to handle big family issues when they come up.

Establish healthy co-parenting from the start with therapy before a divorce

Even if you live in the same house during the divorce, co-parenting begins as soon as the divorce is officially in motion. Cooperative co-parenting and communication are essential to your children’s resilience and well-being.

The research is clear that children thrive faster and with greater confidence when their divorced parents:

Never badmouth one another to the children.
Resist the urge to be “the better parent” and encourage their child’s relationship with the other parent.
Adhere to the co-parenting and family agreements.
Accept that parenting styles may be different and focus on the shared agreements instead.
Be flexible within reason; your child custody/visitation agreement is a guide, but important and unexpected events are part of life.
Do your best to support your ex’s future partners so your children can feel more at home in their presence. This is not a competition.

I could go on and on, but these, as well as other tenets of good parenting and co-parenting, are all part of what your family therapist will help you iron out and uphold.

Remember, co-parenting agreements are living documents that evolve and change with the situation. Your therapist will be there for you as needed through the coming years of raising children and young adults together.

Your personal well-being

You know the adage about “putting your oxygen mask on first” before helping someone else. The more depleted, drained, stressed, or angry you are, the harder it will be for you to take the high road during the divorce and afterward.

Keep in mind that although “your divorce may be over,” there is far more to it than that. There is plenty to do after a divorce is finalized in terms of separating the accounts, rebuilding a home and routine, and honoring all of the things stated in the divorce agreement. In the meantime, you’ll be working through the grief associated with the end of the marriage and the family unit you’ve built together.

By taking care of yourself and working with a trusted therapist, you’ll learn how to work through the powerful emotions that are guaranteed to arise from time to time in a functional way that doesn’t harm your children.

The Law Offices of Gerard A. Falzone Support Mediated & Collaborative Divorce

Divorces don’t have to be the dark, contentious, and dramatic horror shows modeled for us by television and the modern media. Using divorce mediation and collaborative divorce models, the Law Offices of Gerard A. Falzone have provided safe and comfortable spaces for both parties to review the facts and where legal disputes can be discussed – and hopefully resolved – to both parties’ satisfaction.

I can also provide referrals to some of the area’s most admired family therapists, who can partner with you further to keep everyone as emotionally whole as possible through this challenging time. Contact my office to schedule a consultation and learn more about how I can help with therapy before a divorce.

What Is A Divorce Decree?

what is a divorce decree

A marriage begins with the filing of a marriage license. In the sad event that you or your spouse choose to end the marriage, the legal union is dissolved via a divorce decree.

There are typically four significant stages in a couple’s divorce process. The first begins when one or both parties decide to proceed with a divorce. This usually leads to conversations ranging from very heated and tense to business-like and sad. The second and third stages include mediation with a family law facilitator or official court proceedings and filing the finalized divorce papers.

After six months, if neither party contests the initial filing, the courts stamp the documents filed, and the divorce is finalized. Your receipt of the official divorce decree finalizes the third stage and launches you into the fourth – when you, your former spouse, and any children you have adjusted to the new life ahead

Included In The Divorce Decree

The papers you or your lawyer file to begin the court’s review of the divorce are the same ones you’ll get back with the official court stamp. Every divorce decree is different in some ways because no two couples or families are alike.

However, the typical divorce decree includes the finalized agreements on how everything should proceed – from the closing of joint bank accounts and paying off certain debts to child visitation and support payments. Here are some of the most typical forms included in the final divorce decree packet.

Summary of dissolution & judgment of dissolution and notice of entry of judgment

The first form is the one you or your spouse fill out to file the request for a divorce. Because California is a no-fault divorce state, you’re guaranteed the divorce will be finalized six months after you file as long as all of the paperwork is 100% correct.

This is why we always recommend working with a family law mediator – even in a no-conflict divorce. It’s the only way to know everything will be completed and filed without the risk of anything being kicked back by the court for a small error. When that happens, you have to complete and submit the forms all over again, which re-starts the clock.

NOTE: Do not panic if your spouse refuses to sign the paperwork in the 30-day time frame specified by the court. If this happens, you show up for your court date as stated by the court and the divorce, and the court will accept all agreements stated in the paperwork you completed. Your spouse cannot contest anything in the divorce agreement after waiving their right to respond in 30 days.

Spousal support (FL-167)

Depending on your marriage’s employment history, income, and other factors, one of you may have to pay spousal support (formerly known as alimony). This is a temporary situation in most cases, barring any prenuptial agreements that state otherwise.

The courts no longer expect one spouse to support the other for any longer than necessary. So, while alimony of the past was often for a lifetime, until remarrying, or for ten years, the courts now expect the person receiving spousal support to do whatever is necessary to obtain gainful employment, at which point those payments stop.

If you have to pay alimony, you can petition the court to change or cease payments at any time if you feel your ex-spouse’s financial situation is healthy enough for them to live without your assistance.

Child custody (visitation and support)

If you have children together, you’ll file forms pertaining to child custody (visitation and relevant support). We highly recommend couples with children use divorce mediation rather than finalizing a DIY or lawyer-facilitated divorce. There are multiple benefits of using divorce and child custody mediation – the largest of which is the reduced tension and drama.

Children suffer greatly during and after a divorce so the more you can do to make this part as smooth, fair, and amicable as possible, the better it is for your children’s mental and emotional wellbeing.

Name change

For many, a divorce may be a time they wish to change their name back to whatever it was before the marriage. This can be done as part of the divorce proceedings – finalized in the divorce decree – as long as you fill out the legal name change portion of the forms.

Final decisions and instructions regarding property and asset division

Finally, a divorce technically means some type of distribution of properties and assets. This part is fairly straightforward because California is a community property state. Things to think about when discussing “who gets what” include considerations around:

Existing prenuptial agreements.
Do you own your own business?
Properties, assets, or other items of value acquired during the divorce as inheritances (which are separate from community property).
Is one person buying out the other’s share of the house to keep it, or is the house being sold to pay off joint debts, splitting the remaining equity?
Is it worth it to forgo a portion or all of a spouse’s retirement fund to gain a different asset or account?
Other financial considerations that should be addressed now to simplify post-divorce life.

Finally, are there any debts or assets your spouse doesn’t know about? If so, it’s time to come clean, as the court does not favor those who hide assets during legal proceedings. You can wind up facing serious penalties.

Make Copies Of The Divorce Decree To Finalize Post-Judgment Transactions

Once the divorce is finalized, you and your ex-spouse must complete all of the necessary transactions outlined in the divorce decree within a set amount of time. In many cases, like name changes, property/title transfers, closing/accessing accounts, etc., you must provide a certified copy of the divorce decree. You can request certified copies of a divorce decree from the county clerk’s office in the county where the divorce was finalized.

Make a checklist of the items you’re responsible for and then tick through them as soon as possible to facilitate a clean break and a fresh new start.

Gerard A. Falzone Prioritizes Divorce Mediation To Facilitate Drama-Free Divorces

There is no need for drama, chaos, or unnecessarily long (and expensive) divorce proceedings. Connect with the Law Offices of Gerard A. Falzone to learn more about how you can get your official divorce decree finalized with a minimum investment and optimum integrity.

Creating A Custody Schedule

creating a custody schedule Creating a child custody schedule isn’t always easy. Multiple factors should be considered, but the child’s well-being should always be the priority.

4 Steps To Creating A Child Custody Schedule That Works

Unfortunately, although understandably, money is a driving force in child custody schedules because parents who have the kids less typically pay more. We understand this. However, the continuous transitions forced on a child due to household changes, schedules, rules, boundaries, etc., can cause emotional and academic challenges.

Remember: Child custody agreements are legally binding but can be negotiated multiple times until your children turn 18, depending on their needs.

Consider working with a divorce and family law mediator who can help you create child custody and co-parenting agreements, which can minimize contention between the two of you.

Here are some helpful suggestions for creating a child custody schedule that works for your family.

Schedule sessions with a child/family therapist

We highly recommend working with a Bay Area family therapist to determine a schedule that would work best for your children based on their ages, needs, and personalities. For example, some client families exchange children every two days or so, and others alternate weeks. Older children may like rotations every two weeks as it gives them time to land in one home for longer, minimizing transitions. We’ve even had a client whose daughter spent six months in one house and six in the other because she couldn’t stand going back and forth more than that. Parents should always be willing to work with their children’s needs.

We understand that it’s difficult to be away from your child. However, video apps, texts, phone calls, etc., make it possible to connect with children in a very personal way as much as you like. Children of divorce are at higher risk for emotional issues, depression, anxiety, and academic struggles. If keeping your child at one house more than another is easier on them, it might be the best way to handle things for now, even if it’s harder on you for a bit.

Consider the children’s ages and needs

The website Custody Xchange has a page dedicated to age-based guidelines for parenting plans and schedules based on research findings. One of our other favorite things about their page is that they highlight children’s physical, emotional, and boundary-based needs by age, which can help you create a co-parenting plan that always honors a “children first” mentality.

PRIORITIZE HEALTH COPARENTING: No matter what led you to a divorce, healthy co-parenting is essential for your children’s emotional stability and health. Do all that you can to streamline healthy communication while co-parenting.

Their schedules and tips include recommendations for:

Babies. All children do best with stability, but this is especially true for babies who rely on a routine for nourishment, hygiene, and comfort. Regardless of what you decide, it’s essential that both parents can agree on – and uphold – the same schedule and routine for their baby to support healthy physical, mental, and emotional development.
Toddlers. Most toddlers fare best with a schedule that allows them to see each parent every two days. Again, routine is essential. Regardless of the water under your adult divorce bridge, maintaining consistency between homes is always in the children’s best interest.
Preschoolers and TK. Children at this age may prefer sticking with the two-day schedule but may be able to stretch to three days off – with parents sharing or alternating weekends.
School-age children (5 to 13). Children may have more input as they get older. Many parents find that split weeks with alternating extended weekends are the best way to go at this stage of the game. That said, some children do fine with every other week/weekend at this age, especially if there is a once-per-week dinner with the other parent or when the other parent is part of the school/extracurricular chauffeuring schedule.
High School. By this age, most children do fine with an every-other-week schedule. However, some prefer to be at each home for two weeks at a time for more stability and because they communicate with either parent independently. If your child is heavily involved in sports or extracurricular activities, they may no longer want to spend much time with a parent who lives outside of the school district, so that is worth taking into consideration.

Learn about all the scheduling options

Historically, child custody schedules were usually 80/20. Children spent 80% of their time with one parent (usually the mother) and 20% with the other. This meant spending every other weekend and a portion of school breaks with the non-custodial parent. But things have changed. Today, unless there’s just cause, most parents share 50% custody. However, scheduling that 50% depends on work schedules and the children’s age.

We’ve briefly hit on some of the most common child custody schedules out there, but every family is different. In our post about healthy co-parenting communication, we referenced helpful apps, one of which is Our Family Wizard. Their website offers a range of parenting schedules that work well but may require extra calendaring on your part.

Examples include:

The 2-2-5-5 rotation. With this one, children spend two days with one parent, two days with the other, then five days with the first parent, and five days with the other.
The 3-3-4-4. This schedule is like the 2-2-5-5, but it’s done with three/four days in between.

These schedules can be a healthy bridge for younger children when they switch from switching homes every two days to a week-on/week-off schedule. It allows everyone to get used to the longer stay routine.

Have written agreements that cover everything…

Consistency is essential for all children. You do your child no favors when you opt to be the “easy” or “fun” parent. You’re actually setting your children up for emotional angst, anxiety, and confusion. In fact, “setting up a routine ASAP” is #3 on our list of 5 tips for helping children cope with divorce.

One of the best things you can do during and after your divorce is to sit down and draw up schedules and agreements that both of you pledge to uphold. This includes things like:

How communication will take place.
Using a co-parenting app to facilitate things.
Schedules for sleeping, napping, homework, etc.
Rules and consequences.
Tech and screen time boundaries.

Again, your divorce mediator or the family therapist can help you create and uphold these agreements and support both of you when things aren’t going smoothly.

Schedule Divorce Mediation At The Law Offices Of Gerard A. Falzone

Are you prioritizing what’s best for your children as you move forward with the divorce? Schedule a divorce mediation session with the Law Offices of Gerard A. Falzone. We’ve worked with Bay Area families for over 30 years to create child custody schedules that successfully supported everyone’s well-being. Contact us to schedule your child custody mediation consultation.

Military Divorce: Unique Issues And Considerations

military divorce unique issues and considerations People don’t always realize that military divorces are somewhat different than their civilian counterparts. For example, one of the most significant differences is that divorce proceedings, including the final divorce and child custody agreements, are governed by the Uniformed Services Former Spouses’ Protection Act (USFSPA), which alters where an individual may (or may not) want to file for divorce.

We always recommend seeking pre-divorce legal counseling before officially filing for divorce. Working with a family law specialist beforehand ensures you know all of your options and professional advice on what to do – or what not to do – throughout the process.

5 Ways Military Divorce Is Different

Here are five ways military divorce proceedings are different.

Finalizing child custody and visitation proceedings may be more challenging

We’re putting this difference first because we believe the children’s best interest should ALWAYS be a top priority in any divorce – regardless of what water flows beneath the parents’ bridges. The states’ family law courts decide child support, and most states (including California) determine a service member’s portion using their total entitlement (base pay, housing allowance, subsistence allowance, and any other special pay).

However, all military branches (excluding the Air Force) have their own rules on how much parents should pay. If you’re in the military, start there, and it may simplify things for you during the settlement process. Also, remember that once child support is set, only the family law court can change the amount. If anything about the military member’s pay will change in the near future due to deployments, base transfers, upcoming discharge, etc., speak to a lawyer about customizing the terms of the child support order ahead of time to prevent having to go back to court.

When it comes to child custody, the courts now tend to do what’s best for the child. However, unless there is something compromising or dangerous with remaining with the non-active duty spouse, it’s rare for active duty military personnel to get full child custody due to the upheaval and disruption in a child’s life if/when a parent is deployed.

You have a choice about where to file your divorce

Typically, couples living in California for six months or more must file their divorce in California. This is not the case for couples where one or both people are in the military. Adults in many military couples have residency in two different states, which means you can choose which state you want to file your divorce.

However, you’ll want to choose carefully. The USFSPA dictates that the state of legal residence of the military member always has the power to divide the military pension in a divorce. So, let’s say your spouse is in the military, and you are not. You live in California, and she lives in Tennessee. Usually, California is a community property state, which means all of your assets – including any retirement savings or pension funds accrued during your marriage – are split evenly.

However, Tennessee is not a community property. It adopts something called equitable distribution, which means the state divides things equitably – but only sometimes equally. You want to file your divorce in the state that is most likely to distribute assets in your favor if there is a difference.

Active military personnel can file for a “Stay” through the SCRA

In California, the person filing for a divorce is called the “Petitioner,” and the person being served the divorce papers is the “Respondent.” Once served, the Respondent has 30 days to respond. If they don’t respond or sign the papers in 30 days, the Petitioner can continue moving forward by taking some extra steps. If you or your spouse is on active duty, you can request this time be extended.

The Servicemembers Civil Relief Act (SCRA) was designed to prevent active military members. This gives them up to 90 days to respond, and they can request more time on top of that. The “stay” is intended to keep active military members focused on their jobs so they aren’t consumed by the stress and steps required to move forward with a divorce. The military court will not continually grant extensions without good reason, but it’s worth being prepared.

A non-military may be able to keep their healthcare plan

If you’ve been married for 20 years or more to an active duty member of the military, you may be able to keep your spouse’s TRICARE coverage at no cost. The military calls this the 20/20/20 rule (20 years of marriage, including 20 years of active duty and 20 years of overlap. If you have medical coverage available through your employer, TRICARE becomes the secondary form of insurance.

If you don’t meet the 20/20/20 rule, you may be able to pay for something called “conversion coverage” through the military’s Continued Health Care Benefit Program (CHCBP). There are several qualifying stipulations, but qualifying ex-spouses can have this coverage for at least 36 months, eventually allowing you to migrate onto your non-military insurance plan.

Dividing retirement plans can be tricky

Military pension and retirement plans can be tricky to divide in a divorce. In some cases, it makes more sense to trade retirement benefits for current assets to keep things streamlined. However, that isn’t always possible. If and how a military pension can or will be divided in a divorce varies according to multiple factors.

Also, know that If a portion of your pension will be paid to your ex-spouse after retirement, you’ll probably be mandated to pay for something called the Survival Benefit Plan. This means that if you die before your ex-spouse, they’ll continue receiving their portion of your pension for the rest of their life.

Gerard A. Falzone Provides Mediation & Collaboration For Military Divorces

Mediated or collaborative divorce are both smart options for navigating a military divorce efficiently and with the least amount of stress or contention possible. In addition to keeping you out of the courtroom, these variations in divorce proceedings can save you thousands of dollars.

Working with a family law specialist with experience handling military divorces is always best to ensure everyone’s best interests are honored during the proceedings. Contact Gerard A Falzone to schedule your military divorce consultation.

The Role Of Social Media During Divorce Proceedings

Adults should always be careful about what they post on social media because the record is there for all to see, including prospective employers. Now, family law judges pay closer attention to social media posts when making decisions about pending divorce, child custody, visitation, and child support/spousal support hearings.

As people become more impulsive and less thoughtful about posts – or don’t think to check peers’, family, or friends’ posts – social posts admitted as evidence in court are increasingly used as evidence against petitioners/responders in your divorce or child custody hearings.

Do NOT Do This On Social Media During Divorce Proceedings

Everyone should be mindful of their public image and how it can affect them, but this is especially true before, during, and after divorce proceedings. Depending on the evidence copied and pasted to be used against you, you may find yourself:

In contempt of court or facing perjury charges.
Losing child custody or visitation rights.
Paying more in child or spousal support.
Owing backpay for child/spousal support (paid with 10% interest to the recipient).
Facing criminal charges.

Here are five things you should never do when using social media.

Disparage your spouse/child’s parent or post info about proceedings

Judges frown on immature, disparaging, or slanderous behavior from petitioners or respondents. No matter how mad or hurt you are by your spouse, never disparage them on social media. It automatically casts you in a poor light, which can continue to haunt you throughout the divorce proceedings. If your children have social media access, disparaging their other parent(s) may come back around to them, and that can be disastrous.

Secondly, keep the details of the case private. While much of the information about the court proceedings becomes part of the public record, posting things publicly is considered uncivil and also casts a shadow on your integrity. If you’re dating someone new, and there are inappropriate posts about the two of you (partying, drinking, using drugs, etc.) this can also get you into trouble – including restrictions around your new partner being around when you have the kids.

Post or be part of a post that depicts you drunk, partying, participating in illicit activities, etc.

Yes, everyone deserves a night out; there is nothing illegal about going out and having a good time (unless you’re caught on film/post doing something illegal). However, these images and posts can be detrimental in a battle around child custody or visitation rights.

While the court does its best to support 50/50 custody – or close to it – whenever it can, first and foremost, family law courts support children’s best interests. If your ex’s lawyer supports evidence from your own social media posts or those from your network, they could cost you time with your children, which also adds up to more child support you’ll have to pay.

Lie about the reason you’re postponing/canceling a visit with your child

If you tell your child’s other parent you can’t honor the visitation agreement due to a work event or family emergency, make sure it’s the truth. Because if they see a post anywhere online that you were actually doing something else, that can be used against you. Remember that while you can control what you post, you have no control over what your friends and outer-layer acquaintances post.

Things come up, life happens, and the ideal is that parents can work together on (in writing) trades/makeups, etc. However, honesty is always the best policy, or you could find yourself with less time available with your children. And, as we mentioned in #1, children with access to social media also find out you’re lying, which sets a horrible precedent and can destroy their trust in you.

Post pictures of work or side jobs if you’ve claimed unemployment

It’s not uncommon for people who work under the table or pick up side jobs to be dishonest about their income to avoid maximum child support payments. This is a huge mistake. First, it’s dishonest and illegal. Always be honest about your employment situation and income, as digital records can come back to haunt you, and penalty payments are staggering.

Second, anyone can hire a private investigator to follow you and find out otherwise. But these days, P.I.s are needed less and less due to irresponsible social media posting. A single post that shows/mentions you at work, boasting about things you’ve bought for yourself or your new partner (when you claim to have no money), or otherwise indicates you have an income you didn’t report (or lied about) is evidence and can be used to collect back-owed support with hefty interest.

Post anything with your children that makes you look irresponsible

Were you and your kids swimming in a river clearly stating “no swimming due to strong current?” Did you take your child on vacation out of the state – or country – without prior written permission from their other parent? Is there a post showing you and your children at a celebration with people who are clearly drunk, high, or with paraphernalia in the background?

Anything that remotely hints that your children are not safe or are at all at risk while in your custody is solid grounds for stripping you from custody or visitation without supervision.

Tips For Social Media Posts During & After Divorce

If you’re in the process of getting divorced or fighting for child custody, there are things you can do to keep social media from working against you:

Clean up the account

Delete any posts that could be remotely incriminating, or that cast you in a negative light. Ask friends and family to do the same.

Take a break or keep things very professional

If you wouldn’t want prospective employers, your grandmother, or a police officer to see the post, don’t post it.

Google yourself with parentheses, using any potential names, nicknames, or initials, and see what shows up. You may be surprised to see photos you never knew were public. If anything could count against you, try to get it removed.

Keep all digital communication in line

We’re discussing social media in this post, but all digital communication can be used against you. That includes texts, emails, voicemails, websites, internet history, etc.

The Law Offices of Gerard A. Falzone Keeps Social Media Out Of It

Pursuing mediation, rather than litigation, is the best way to avoid social media being used against you during divorce or child custody proceedings. Mediation can save you thousands of dollars, months of wasted time, and unnecessary negative energy, and keep things on the higher road.

Contact The Law Offices of Gerard A. Falzone to learn more about moving through your divorce or child custody proceedings with as little tension, angst, or negativity as possible.

Grandparents’ Rights In Divorce & Custody Cases

grandparents rights in divorce custody cases

There are so many considerations when planning to divorce and navigating child custody in a way that keeps the children’s best interests at heart. One of the most overlooked aspects of any divorce is the grandparents’ roles after the divorce. Clients often ask:

Do grandparents have visitation or custody rights?
Can grandparents be granted full or part-time custody?
Should grandparent visits be part of the child custody and visitation agreement?
Can a grandparent be legally denied visitation with a child?

If you are a grandparent or you are concerned your spouse may not uphold visitation with grandparents after a divorce, schedule a consultation with a family law specialist ASAP.

Steps To Protect Grandparents’ Visitation (Or Custody) Rights After A Divorce

Every situation is different, so consulting with a lawyer is critical if you want legal documents specifying anything related to grandparent custody or visitation. As with step-parents, there is nothing inherently automatic about visitation rights for grandparents – even if they’ve been a regular part of the children’s lives.

If these decisions aren’t made during the divorce proceedings, paperwork can be filed after the fact, but this is not advised. To protect the children’s best interests, these decisions should be made and legally documented – or decided by the courts – during the divorce proceedings so everyone can move forward afterward.

Schedule a consultation with a family law mediator

First, we recommend scheduling consultations with a family law mediator. Mediators are licensed family law attorneys who use a fee-based schedule, prioritizing the ease, efficiency, and cost-effectiveness of keeping divorce proceedings out of the contentious courtroom.

Research shows that the emotional and mental well-being of children (and adults) improves when divorces are as respectful and amicable as possible. Your mediator can help you establish sound, sensible guidelines for incorporating grandparent visits and traditions into the child custody and visitation agreement to take that worry off the table.

Petition for visitation rights

If one spouse or the other is hedging for some reason, grandparents have the right to petition for visitation rights through the courts. In this case, the courts review everyone’s input and information and make their decision. This is only the case if parents are never married, are separated or divorced, and do not live in the same home. If parents are married and live together, grandparents cannot usually petition the court for visitation (there are exceptions, but your attorney can work through them with you if that scenario applies to you).

Not surprisingly, the court’s focus is always on the children’s best interests. When reviewing the petition, they’ll consider multiple factors:

The children’s age
Children’s wishes (the older the child, the more the child respects their opinion and input).
Historical visitation and relationship scenarios. For example, if the children have always spent time with grandparents during the summer, gone to weekly or monthly meals/overnights, or shared holiday or birthday traditions – these types of things are typically viewed as healthy to maintain. The court is likely to make that part of their ruling.
The child’s relationship with their custodial parent(s) or guardian(s).
A parent’s opposition to visitation (any indication of abuse, travel issues, historical conflicts that impact a child’s well-being at a grandparent’s home, etc.).

In addition to the children’s well-being, courts pay special attention when a parent intentionally blocks visitation. The court prioritizes parental rights and weighs parental input heavily. They’ll listen carefully to the current and historical evidence, and decide accordingly.

Ultimately, as the CA Family Law Court states on its website:

…the judge can only order reasonable visitation if they find that there’s an existing bond between grandparents and child and the child’s best interest outweighs the opposing parent’s rights.

Grandparents as legal guardians

Then, there is the scenario where grandparents feel their grandchild(ren)’s wellbeing is at risk with either parent. In this case, grandparents have the right to petition for legal guardianship. While there is a difference in the forms you complete and file with the court.

In this case, it’s the grandparent(s)’ responsibility to prove that the child’s health, well-being, and safety are in danger with either parent. This may be due to a history of abuse or addiction or because a mental or physical health issue makes it impossible for the parent to care for the child properly.

If there is any way you can get the parents to agree to the guardianship, we highly encourage this route. A family law mediator is your best asset in mediating conversations, highlighting the court’s standard views on varying scenarios, and presenting ideas around guardianship, visitation, etc., based on our experience with other families.

In the case mediation isn’t an option, consult with a family law attorney specializing in guardianship to ensure you have all of the evidence required to support and strengthen your case. If parents oppose the petition for guardianship, you want to hire the best lawyer you can afford, as these trials are awful for the children. You want the best resolution possible, as quickly as possible, to minimize the impact on the children.

Learn More About Grandparent Visitation At The Law Offices Of Gerard Falzone

Are you worried your child’s divorce will affect your relationship with a grandchild? As parents, are you interested in putting grandparent visitation stipulations into the child custody and visitation agreements? Or, are you a grandparent interested in pursuing legal guardianship of your grandchild(ren)?

Contact the Law Offices of Gerard Falzone and schedule a consultation. Our offices always prioritize mediation and collaborative methods, focusing on keeping the stress, contention, and unnecessary costs out of the divorce and child custody proceedings.

The Importance Of Communication In Co-Parenting After A Divorce

the importance of communication in co-parenting after a divorce Co-parenting is never easy and is particularly challenging during and after a heated divorce. However, your children are innocent victims, and experts are unwaveringly clear that healthy co-parenting is the key to protecting your children’s mental and emotional well-being.

There is no excuse for anything other than prioritizing the children’s best interests and making healthy co-parenting a priority. This means keeping children-first co-parenting communication at the forefront of all you do before, during, and after your divorce.

Healthy Co-Parenting After A Divorce Is Essential To Your Child’s Wellbeing

Studies prove time and time again that divorces make children more prone to:

Anxiety
Depression
Lower self-esteem and insecurity
Academic struggles
Behavioral issues
Developing substance abuse issues

Putting your children’s well-being first during your divorce goes a long way toward making children feel more safe, seen, heard, and loved.

5 Tips For Healthy Co-Parenting Communication

After more than 30 years of helping families navigate divorce proceedings in the smoothest way possible and with the least harm done, I’ve seen firsthand how crucial co-parenting communication is for childhood health and well-being in both the short and long term.

Here are my tips for healthy co-parenting communication during and after a divorce.

Prioritize mediation or collaborative divorce procedures

Do all you can to use divorce mediation and avoid lengthy, drawn-out disputes whenever possible. The longer you are in limbo, the more stressful it is for your children. If mediation isn’t working, then look for collaborative divorce attorneys so you benefit from individual representation but with a unified goal of minimizing contention, disputes, or other stressful scenarios that trickle down onto the kids.

You do not “lose out” in any way when pursuing mediation or collaboration. In all of the proceedings I’ve facilitated, clients are ultimately grateful that – in addition to saving thousands of dollars – their divorce was finalized faster, with more integrity, and with less extended drama on the home front.

Use the same family therapist and continue going

The idea that a divorce is a final ending is a myth – especially if you have children. The legal marriage may have ended, but your role as your children’s father and mother (or step-parent) never ends. In other words, you owe it to your children to create a new version of your family – and one in which they can feel as comfortable as possible in one home, the other, or at joint celebrations and extracurricular activities.

Maybe therapy didn’t work to save your marriage. Still, I can guarantee the right therapist can save your new, co-parenting family while supporting everyone’s emotional health and resilience in a very new family structure. Using the same therapist is invaluable. It keeps stories unified, and by getting to know each parent’s (or their partner’s) dynamics, your children’s needs and wants are better honored and facilitated. Your divorce mediation or collaborative attorney can provide you with a list of their recommended therapists.

Honor the final divorce agreement as soon as possible

While your marriage is legally dissolved six months after filing the Dissolution of Marriage, most divorce agreements have a “list of things to do” and a timeline to get them done. It’s not uncommon for some (or all) of these to sit on the backburner because both parties experience post-divorce proceeding fatigue.

However, the longer you avoid what needs to be done after a divorce, the more likely it is to become part of your children’s experience. They’ll sense your stress, overhear you talking about things to family and friends, or listen to you or your ex-spouse talking about the other person (a HUGE no-no in co-parenting). Equally harmful, children may witness the two of you arguing or fighting like you used to – even though the divorce is final. In which case, they understandably wonder why you bothered divorcing in the first place, adding to their emotional confusion.

Take action and clear up all loose ends ASAP to keep co-parenting channels as clear as possible.

Never disrespect your ex-spouse or talk about their child custody/visitation failures

This is not easy. Not by a long shot. However, speaking poorly or disrespectfully about your spouse to your children (even older teenagers or young adults) is emotionally toxic. Even if your children speak ill of them, it’s best to remain silent – supporting your child’s feelings but never participating in parent bashing.

Similarly, avoid the temptation to tell children parts of the story that are not their business – like their parent isn’t paying what they owe in child support, is not honoring their child custody agreement, etc. These do nothing but cause pain for your child. Your job is to listen to and honor your child’s feelings without contributing to co-parenting slander. I guarantee that if you do this, your children will be forever grateful to you.

Take advantage of co-parenting apps

Having a hard time speaking to your ex-spouse? This is not uncommon, especially in the earlier days after the divorce. Hopefully, time, self-awareness, and diligent emotional work should ease that a bit. In the meantime, several co-parenting apps are worth their proverbial weight in gold when it comes to everything from child visitation schedules, extra-curricular calendars, or other reminders that are part of every family dynamic – married or divorced. Other helpful features include photo sharing, digital files for important medical/health/insurance info, etc.

A few of our client’s favorite co-parenting apps are:

Our Family Wizard.
Cozi (this wasn’t initially a co-parenting app, but many divorced couples appreciate its functions, including the ability to add older children, grandparents, or other primary caregivers).
2 Houses.
Many others are available online.

Having one spot for all of this helps to mitigate the amount of time spent communicating/arguing about who told each other what OR the “who does more” in the emotional labor department – which can bring the past right back into your laps… precisely what you don’t want after a divorce is final.

The Law Offices of Gerard A. Falzone Offers Mediation for Better Co-Parenting

Our Bay Area family law offices are 100% dedicated to making divorces as stress-free and integrity-rich as possible. This includes a deep dedication to minimizing any negative effects on our clients’ children. Contact the Law Offices of Gerard A Falzone to begin moving forward.

Let us help you navigate your divorce – no matter how challenging – in a way that keeps family first and supports the importance of communication in co-parenting after a divorce.

Collaborative Divorce: An Alternative To Divorce Litigation

collaborative divorce an alternative to divorce litigation Typically we advocate for divorce mediation as an affordable and less stressful alternative to a courtroom battle. However, sometimes couples feel they need their own representation rather than that of a divorce mediator; in that case, we recommend learning more about collaborative divorces.

Collaborative divorce is an alternative to divorce litigation, which can be draining financially and emotionally. Also, we highly advise staying out of a courtroom/litigation if you have children.

The Basics Of A Collaborative Divorce

With mediation, a lawyer is a neutral party hired by two people to work through their divorce. If there are areas of contention or debate, or feelings/emotions are so high that mediation doesn’t feel like it will work, a collaborative divorce is the next best option.

With this divorce, each party hires their own lawyer so they feel their interests are fully represented. However, rather than meeting in a courtroom before a judge (which wastes thousands of dollars via legal billing and courtroom fees), the individuals and lawyers meet together to work through the divorce settlement agreements, including any child custody, visitation, or support terms.

Another unique feature of a collaborative divorce proceeding is that both parties – and their lawyers – agree ahead of time that they will not resort to litigation. If one or both parties change their minds and decide to pursue litigation, they must find new lawyers to continue.

Finally, many collaborative divorce proceedings involve a neutral team of experts, including marriage and family therapists, financial planners, and divorce coaches depending on the client’s situation. All of these professionals are dedicated to keeping the process as efficient and stress-free as possible.

Benefits of a Collaborative Divorce vs. Divorce Litigation

There are multiple benefits of pursuing collaborative divorce over courtroom litigation.

Collaborative divorces are better for your children & family

Mediation or collaboration should be the only option if any minor children are involved. Lawyers specializing in collaborative divorces are dedicated to supporting the emotional health of everyone – especially children.

Numerous studies show the more contentious divorce proceedings, the harder it is for children. Divorce is harmful to young children and almost always takes an emotional toll. Even in the most equitable divorce, children report feeling anxious, less confident, and sad. They also experience challenges at school. Supporting your children’s and step-children’s well-being is a top priority in a collaborative divorce.

We also recommend reading our post, 5 Tips For Helping Children Cope With Divorce.

You’ll save thousands of dollars

Collaborative divorces cost more than mediation but significantly less than the average divorce litigation process. According to Nolo, the average cost of a traditional divorce ranges from $15,000 to $26,000 – and that’s outside of the courtroom. Cases that go to court cost an average of $25,000 or more.

Collaborative divorce aims to make fair and equitable decisions across the board, with the well-being of any children at the core, and to complete the proceedings as swiftly as possible. Experts state that the average collaborative divorce costs about $10,000 to $15,000 – but those fees are split between parties.

The proceedings are confidential

Divorce court is a public arena. Everything that is said or happens there becomes part of the public record. Divorce mediation and collaboration are handled in confidential offices and conference rooms, so your personal information is only exposed to the lawyers or other professionals comprising the collaborative team. All of them are sworn to uphold confidentiality.

The goal is to minimize interpersonal conflict and emotional strain

Unfortunately, the family law courtroom has become a hotbed of drama, conflict, and emotional strain, and that is part of why it takes such a huge toll on those who participate in that realm – lawyers included.

The overarching goal of divorce collaboration is to ease the interpersonal conflict and emotional strain as much as possible so you can both move forward with your lives. Lawyers specializing in collaborative divorce know that things will get heated in certain moments, and they’re experienced at de-escalating heated emotions and redirecting the conversation positively and productively – including taking breaks whenever necessary.

How To Choose A Collaborative Divorce Attorney

Hiring an experienced collaborative divorce team is the key to a successful collaborative divorce. Not all divorce attorneys choose to practice collaborative divorce because some appreciate the higher billing potential available through more traditional, litigation-based proceedings.

To choose the best collaborative divorce attorney:

Look for Bay Area lawyers who specialize or solely practice using mediation or collaborative methods.
Take advantage of free consultations with at least three to five lawyers or collaborative teams before deciding which is best for you.
Use consultations to learn more about the process. They can be especially educational in helping you prepare for your first real session with your collaborative divorce layers.
Ask for recent client referrals to learn more about how the process was for them. We do not recommend relying on online reviews when searching for family law professionals. Word of mouth is more trustworthy.
Choose a lawyer with experience in any unique circumstances you may have, such as making decisions around child visitation and child custody in blended families, when a family business is part of the decision-making, etc.

Contact The Law Offices Of Gerard A. Falzone & Work For A Collaborative Divorce Process

Are you interested in saving money while also moving through a divorce as painlessly as possible? The Law Offices of Gerard A. Falzone has worked for more than 30 years to keep personal conflicts to a minimum and is not interested in facilitating courtroom battles.

We exclusively handle mediation and collaborative divorce proceedings. Contact us to schedule a consultation and determine whether or not we’re a good fit for you.