There are varying reasons couples decide to separate rather than divorce. For some, trial or legal separations are a way to “try out” what life would be like if they were to legally dissolve the marriage in a divorce. In other cases, legal separation establishes permanency to the end of the emotional and physical relationship while retaining other benefits of a legal marriage- typically financial.
While most separations do end in divorce, it isn’t always that way. So, while some people may argue that if most separations end in divorce, so why not just skip to divorce, it’s worth reviewing the alternatives if you’re on the fence about divorcing at this point in time.
Legal Separation Or Divorce? Which Makes Sense For You?
The idea of both temporary and more permanent separations has existed for as long as humans have joined together in matrimony or to raise a family. Historically, separations were a way to maintain a status quo within a cultural or spiritual community that may have frowned on divorce, while allowing two people with irreconcilable differences to live their own lives with a certain amount of freedom from one another. Now that divorce is more common and culturally acceptable, we’ve seen a rise in separation rates.
The question for couples choosing trial or legal separations is do we repair the relationship and live like a married couple again or do we divorce and legally dissolve the marriage? According to Psychology Today, it is believed that as many as 80% of couples who separate wind up moving forward with a divorce. However, this doesn’t mean separations are irrelevant.
There are plenty of ways the separation can still benefit the lives of the adults and children in question. When we work with couples to determine whether separation or divorce is the right decision, we evaluate various factors.
Reasons To Consider Separation Over Divorce (For Now)
Here are some of the reasons clients opt to try separation over divorce rather than heading straight to divorce proceedings.
They just aren’t sure yet
In many cases, particularly couples who have been together for a decade or longer, they just aren’t sure. Unless there is an egregious behavior that isn’t being resolved in question – such as domestic violence, child abuse, or addiction/substance abuse issues – many people have a sense that “this too could pass,” in which case they don’t want to divorce too hastily.
I’ve never met a couple celebrating a 50- or 60-year anniversary that can’t offer several examples when they went many months or years at a time until they found their way back together – and are grateful they did. It’s this idea that permeates the decision-making of couples who are hopeful resolution will come – but that it may take space and time.
They aren’t as convinced about independent living
There is a common expression, “misery loves company.” While I never advise any client to live miserably, many have lived so long in companionship that they aren’t 100% sure whether living apart is truly better than living together in a different type of partnership. This is quite common for those who have been married for decades and raised a family together. In this case, a trial separation gives them insight into what life outside of the partnership looks and feels like.
Health insurance is expensive, and many families get their insurance through one or the other parent’s employers. Without that coverage, the income discrepancy is quite large. This is one of the examples where legal separation for a longer period of time may make more sense. By legally separating – but without divorcing – couples have a way to separate the bulk of their finances for a while but agree to keep things like health insurance, retirement savings, investments, or other joint benefits accumulating jointly for maximum profitability in the long term.
Other reasons to consider legal separation
Every household is different and financial obligations or benefits are constantly a driving factor for couples who opt to remain in long-term separations rather than divorce. For example, couples with families that choose to have one parent remain at home with the children may decide to legally separate. In this way, the income is still shared between the both of them, in their separate locations, but the children still have the continuity of a stay-at-home parent. Over time, when the children are old enough, and the stay-at-home parent rejoins the workforce, they may opt to move forward with a divorce.
Recommendations Before Separating
Regardless of whether or not you’re separating with the idea of healing the marriage because of business or financial reasons, there are three things you should do:
Meet with a family law mediator
You don’t need lawyers to file a legal separation, but you should take advantage of experienced legal advice. Together, we’ll determine the overarching goals of the separation period and come up with an estimated time period if that makes sense.
If there are children in the picture, we’ll also discuss child custody and visitation schedules. After decades in this business, I can also provide multiple tips on how to ease into this transition in a way that supports everyone’s best interests.
Meet with a financial planner
If you’ve been married for five years or more and/or you have a family, it’s worth meeting with a financial planner to discuss the long-term consequences of separation versus divorce. It’s always good to have a third-party, objective opinion, and a fee-based financial planner can help. In some cases, clients have changed the way they handle their separation or determined a specific length of time based on what they learned from their financial advisors.
See a licensed, professional therapist
If you hope to reconcile your marriage, I recommend working with a therapist together as a couple. The separation will not be easy and it’s essential to create a safe space to work together on the hard things while also learning communication and healing tools to practice on your own. Even if you know the relationship is over and are separating for financial or business reasons, having your own therapist is a smart idea as you make your way through a difficult transition.
Deciding Between A Separation Or Divorce? The Law Offices of Gerard A. Falzone Can Help
Are you in the process of determining whether a separation or divorce makes the most sense for you and your family? Schedule a consultation with the Law Offices of Gerard A. Falzone. For more than thirty years, we’ve dedicated our lives to taking the stress and trauma out of divorce, creating a safe space for couples to make legal decisions about separation, divorce, and child custody issues in a way that serves the best of the whole. We look forward to helping you see your way through.