No matter how much it was necessary, moving through a divorce is always stressful. It takes its toll on those getting divorced as well as their loved ones. Once you’re divorced, there are still some loose ends to tie up. 

9 Essential Steps To Take Now That You’re Divorced

We know the steps leading up to the divorce seemed never-ending, and there’s a temptation to just cross your fingers and hope all will be well. However, paying attention to these essential steps will ease the way forward into the next chapter of your life.

Get the emotional support you need

If you haven’t already done so, we highly recommend seeking support from a therapist or spiritual counselor. This is even more important if you have children – including adult children! Getting the support you need, and ensuring your children have the support they need, helps to unwind any residual emotional damage.

By and large, when the anger recedes, grief is the most prevalent emotion associated with divorce. People grieve the loss of the marriage they dreamed of, the loss of future dreams, the intact family they hoped to provide for their children, and the loss of any property, assets, or possessions that held sentimental value. This loss must be tended to, or it can cause residual issues later on.

Review your marital settlement agreement 

Some individuals and couples quickly and efficiently divide up their assets, properties, titles, accounts, etc., without a moment to waste. Others drag their heels. If your ex-spouse was against the divorce, reluctant to sign divorce papers, or dragged their heels leading up to the final document filing, prepare for a similar experience after you’re divorced.

Make a concise summary of your marital settlement agreement, so you have a one-page version of what needs to happen. This includes things like:

• Dividing account totals
• Closing joint accounts in alignment with the divorce agreement
• Transferring/retitling ownership of property, cars, toys, and other relevant assets to the appropriate person

Make a realistic timeline for when these things should happen in order of priority, and then start making your way down the list.

If your ex-spouse doesn’t do what they’re supposed to, contact the family law court or your divorce mediation lawyer to begin filing the paperwork necessary to file a motion for enforcement, which takes all of the responsibility from your shoulders.

Create clear and detailed co-parenting schedules, payment plans, etc.

If you have children and a child custody/visitation agreement, their well-being and security are a top priority. Regardless of how angry, resentful, or hurt you are, you must take the higher road when it comes to co-parenting. Child and young adult development research clearly show that children fare far better when their parents co-parent cooperatively. 

Set up autopay for spouse or child support (preferably through the family law court)

Regardless of how amicable things are now, we recommend taking everything you can out of the equation regarding the “business side” of spousal support or child support payments. Most family law courts in California now offer the ability for these payments to run through them for a very nominal annual fee (or for free, depending on the total amount of the payments). For less than $50 per year, payments automatically deposit into your bank account. 

By registering these payments through the court takes the personal relationship out of the equation. Payment agreements are between the court and the payee; if payments are late or skipped the recipient never has to be “the bad guy.” 

Change passwords, names on accounts, etc.

As you open new accounts, odds are you’ll use a different password than you did when you were married. This is strongly advised if you and your spouse used the same password for everything. Also, if you’re changing your name after the divorce, you’ll also need to begin that process.

Because it can take up to three months or so to legally change your name in California, it may mean going back through each and every one of your accounts and completing their process to finalize the name change in their systems.

Create new estate planning documents (will, trust, etc.)

This is a good time to meet with an estate attorney to draft a new will and trust documents. This is even more important if you have never created a will or trust in the past. Because California is a community property state, your ex-spouse would automatically inherit everything. 

Now, without a will or trust in place, you leave your children and family members more vulnerable if you become incapacitated or die without specific instructions, including those who can make legal and medical decisions on your behalf. One of the benefits of working through this process is that you may uncover or remember accounts, credit cards, investments, life insurance policies, or retirement funds you forgot you or your spouse had and that haven’t been closed or divided yet.

NOTE: Make sure that any account beneficiary or “pay on death” designations reflect the right person on any accounts that became yours. If your ex-spouse’s name remains on those forms, there is nothing anyone else can do about it if you die. Those funds transfer directly to whoever is named, regardless of marital/divorce status.

Update (or create) your advanced medical directive

That segues directly to the next item on the list: updating or creating an advanced medical directive. Again, before you’re divorced, your spouse would have been the one making any medical decisions on your behalf. 

Now that you are single, it’s essential that your medical directive outlines who you select to make medical and end-of-life decisions on your behalf if you cannot do so. Medical directives also help you outline what you want or do not want in any given scenario. Advanced medical directive forms are available from your health care provider, or you can also use free online versions like This One by Prepare For Your Care.

Protect your credit

Once all of the steps in your marital settlement agreement are complete, we recommend pulling a free credit report to ensure all the accounts you closed or divided are taken care of. You are entitled to one free credit report per year from all major players, such as Experian and Equifax. 

Keep in mind that it can take several weeks or a few months for things to cycle on and off your report. If you and your spouse were efficient at dividing and conquering the tasks on your marital settlement agreement, wait 90 days or so before pulling the reports to ensure they’re accurate.

Click Here for instructions on obtaining your free copy report from legitimate agencies.

Take care of insurance details after you’re divorced

Review all of your insurance policies – auto, homeowners, medical, dental, vision, and life – to make sure their current and that your ex-spouse is no longer on the policy. In some cases, this might mean you need to ensure you’re off your ex-spouse’s policy (alleviating any financial responsibility on your end) and getting a policy of your own. 

Need Guidance To Complete The Steps After You’re Divorced?

Do you need guidance or advice about what happens now your divorce is complete? Contact The Law Offices of Gerard Falzone. We can review your divorce agreement and marital settlement agreement and create a checklist for you to follow. Once the checklist is complete, you’ll feel as if a tremendous weight is lifted, and you’ll finally be free to move forward. 

The good news is that family law proceedings in California allow you to do your divorce paperwork and legal filing or make decisions about asset distribution and child custody/visitation issues. However, a DIY divorce has a downside. Lack of information, misunderstandings around CA divorce and child custody laws, or making hasty decisions often result in finalized divorce proceedings that do not honor your best interests.

Pursuing a DIY divorce is certainly within your rights, but even a single consultation with a divorce attorney or mediator can prevent you from making costly mistakes.

5 Downsides Of A DIY Divorce In California

Here are five of the most common downsides we see when clients come back to us after a DIY divorce gone wrong.

Being taken advantage of by a pushy or bullying ex

If your soon-to-be ex is driving the train, you could be pushed into decisions that are not in your best interest. While we understand the temptation to get the divorce over with as soon as possible, being too hasty costs you in the immediate and the long term. 

You don’t have to go to court to get divorced. In fact, we always recommend pursuing divorce mediation whenever possible. In just a few fee-based sessions with an experienced divorce mediator, you can walk through every piece of paperwork and receive neutral recommendations about any areas of conflict – such as finances, spousal support, child custody/support/visitation, and other questions around asset distribution. 

Meeting with a family law attorney either alone for a pre-divorce legal consultation or together for mediation can help your divorce move forward quickly and ensures all of your paperwork is filed without mistakes so the courts don’t kick it back for resubmittal.

Not understanding community property laws

California is a community property state. Sometimes, people mistakenly believe that means everything you have together is split 50/50. That is not the case. Anything you earned, acquired individually or together, or invested during your marriage is entitled to be split equally. 

However, there are exceptions to the community property laws. Examples include:

• Finances that were yours before the marriage (retirement, investments, savings, etc.)
• Any assets you inherited before or during the marriage
• Gifts given especially to you by family members, including financial gifts.
• Property owned in your name prior to the marriage or property inherited by you during the marriage.
• Financial gain or assets accrued while legally separated.

Meeting with a lawyer before the divorce is the best way to ensure the two of you are dividing your assets as the judge would if you went to court. 

NOTE: Resist any temptation to hide any assets when going through a divorce. If you hide assets and they are discovered by your ex now or even years after the divorce is final, the courts will not hesitate to act swiftly and are more than happy to grant those assets and more to your ex.

Giving up benefits you are entitled to

Sometimes, in a more-toxic-than-normal situation, clients are willing to sign away just about anything and everything to get out of the marriage and start anew. Unfortunately, this often means making decisions they regret later. 

For example, I once had a client whose spouse was difficult throughout the divorce proceedings. He had a modest IRA, while she received a generous county retirement pension. To escape the constant tension, he was willing to take his IRA and leave her all of her retirement until I demonstrated what an exponential financial loss would be for him in the long term.

As a result of a single consultation, he let CA divorce law reign supreme and now receives his portion of his ex-wife’s pension, just as she’ll receive her portion of his IRA when he retires. Your divorce mediator or attorney is there to ensure everyone makes the best possible choices in alignment with CA family laws.

Child custody and visitation

Children should never be put in the middle of a divorce. Their well-being must be a top priority during and after the divorce proceedings. After listening to your ideas and input, as well as your children’s (if they are old enough), we can establish a child custody and visitation agreement that is in everyone’s best interest. 

Are you a step-parent? If you are getting a divorce in a marriage involving step-parents, work together to create a child custody agreement that considers that. Currently, step-parents have no legal rights for visitation or holiday exchanges. However, the two of you can create whatever legal agreement you want as long as it’s part of the divorce agreement. Whatever agreement you come to regarding visitation and custody of step-children should be in writing and should have the signed approval of their other biological parent(s).

Improperly filed paperwork is just one of the downsides of a DIY divorce

Legal paperwork is challenging to navigate, and most California divorces require proper filing and procedures for multiple forms. If there is a single mistake, the forms are kicked back to their initiator, and you have to refile them. This process can happen repeatedly. It is frustrating at the very least. Similarly, you may have made a wording mistake or checked an incorrect box that makes its way into your legally-filed divorce.

Once the documents are recorded, and the divorce is filed, you have to go back to court and request a modification to make any changes. Until then, whatever was checked remains part of the legal domain and you are beholden to follow that law if and until a judge rules on your modification request.

Schedule A Pre-Divorce Legal Consultation Before A DIY Divorce

You may be perfectly prepared to file a DIY divorce in California. However, it’s always best to schedule at least one pre-divorce legal consultation with a qualified family law professional to make sure you do it right. We’re happy to review your situation, go over the paperwork, and help you make any corrections to the court documents before you formally file them. Contact the Law Offices of Gerard A. Falzone to schedule a consultation or receive legal advice about your upcoming divorce.

The term gray divorce is relatively recent, adopted to describe the increase in divorces between couples who are aged 50+ and have been married for decades. These divorces can be more complicated than others because, unlike couples who’ve been married for ten years or less, these couples often have a complex array of assets that must be intricately worked through and fairly allocated. 

And then, of course, there is the painful burden of processing the dissolution of a family culture. Adult children are still children and experience the same range of emotional impact as younger children in a divorce. Finally, there is the reorientation as each partner relearns life as an individual – rather than as part of a couple.

Steps To Support You While Navigating A Gray Divorce

Here are some important steps to support you as you prepare for and navigate divorce in your 50s, 60s, 70s, or beyond.

Is legal separation a better first step?

If you haven’t tried legal separation, this might be a good first step. Marriages mean different things to different people. Marriage can also mean different things to people at different phases of their life. Sometimes, legal separation offers prospective candidates for a gray divorce to take a look at their personal and shared narratives to see if there might be an alternative to divorce.

Taking time and space away from the marriage to process personal work while still honoring the same types of living and financial arrangements offered by divorce allows couples to find their way back into a partnership that may be defined differently from what it was before. Other times, legal separation helps those on the fence to see clearly that divorce is the best way forward. Every situation is different.

If Not, Prioritize mediation or a collaborative divorce process

If at all possible, work together to put the marital issues on the table as you work to divorce one another with the least amount of angst, resentment, and stress possible. One of the best ways to do that is to seek help from a family lawyer who specializes in mediation or seek individual representation from lawyers who prioritize collaborative divorce.

• Divorce mediation

Divorce mediation uses one lawyer between the two of you. They are paid by the hour or may offer “packages” based on the number of sessions you meet with them. During divorce mediation sessions, the mediator serves as a completely objective party. In other words, we are completely neutral and do not “take sides.” Instead, we help you to divide assets fairly and facilitate cooperative decision-making at every turn. 

When you are in disagreement or conflict about how a particular asset or issue should be handled, we provide feedback on how a judge would most likely rule were you in a courtroom. Divorce mediation saves couples tens of thousands of dollars, keeps your business completely private, and facilitates all of the legal document compilation and filing for you. 

• Collaborative divorce

A collaborative divorce shares the same goals as mediation: for couples to work through things as fairly as possible while minimizing negative conflict. However, in this model, each individual has their own attorney representing their interests, and both “teams” work together collaboratively to reach an equitable outcome. This is more expensive than mediation since there are separate attorney fees involved, but it’s still more affordable in terms of both financial and emotional/energetic costs.

Both options keep you out of the courtroom, which can be a very negative, draining, and damaging experience – especially if there are children and grandchildren involved. 

Learn more about how assets and investments are divided

Unless you have a prenuptial agreement, odds are the two of you, assets, and finances are tightly woven together in a single fabric. The California divorce process works to unravel that fabric into its separate parts again – and as equitably as possible. The more you understand how assets are divided in a divorce, the better prepared you’ll be. 

Because California is a community property state, the majority of the monies and assets acquired during your marriage are split 50/50 – without any deliberation. There are exceptions, such as inheritance or gifts, but these must be proven to be exceptions for the courts to recognize them. 

NOTE: This is NOT a time for secret preparations, hiding money or funds, hiding newly acquired assets, or starting any new financial ventures on your own. The courts frown on any attempts to hide assets before or during a divorce. Proof you were trying to do so can mean your spouse gets far more than they would have been entitled to otherwise.

Seek personal support through counseling or a similar outlet

This is no small thing. Ending a marriage that has survived decades, and that created a family, means the dissolving of a dynasty of sorts. While it may be the best and healthiest step for you both, it doesn’t come without tremendous emotional and energetic costs. 

Meeting with a licensed therapist or credentialed spiritual advisor, or life coach makes all the difference in your emotional and energetic well-being. It will also support you in working for the highest good of both yourself and everyone involved. 

Keep the kids out of it as much as you can

Adult children can be put in a terrible position if their divorcing parents aren’t careful. Like small children, they go through the same emotional and logistical struggles resulting from a gray divorce. They are often privy to far too much personal information about their parents that should be completely separate from their mother/child or father/child relationship. As tempting as it can be to gain allies, children should not be your support network during this process. They should be encouraged to have healthy, balanced, and open relationships with each parent – regardless of what brought their parents to this point.

After more than 30 years as a family lawyer and mediator, we witness the damage done when parents bring their children into the mix. Children always fare best – even adult children – when they can say things like, “I never heard my father say a disrespectful or unkind thing about my mother. He keeps his feelings about her separate from our relationship…” or vice versa. Plus, the more drama and trauma are brought into your adult children’s world, the more will spill over into your grandchildren’s lives.

Preparing For A Gray Divorce? Work With An Experienced Family Lawyer

The Law Offices of Gerard A. Falzone are known for their focus on integrity and fairness. We have more than 30 years of experience helping Bay Area couples navigate their divorces as smoothly, honorably, and affordably as possible. Call us at Schedule a consultation to learn more about our services, and we’ll be here to support you and your family every step of the way.

As an experienced Bay Area family law professional, I’m a big supporter of mediation. I’ve spent countless thousands of hours in contentious courtroom divorce proceedings, and it’s not the ideal way to go if you’re moving forward with divorce. Last month, we focused on the differences between divorce mediation and DIY Collaboration (filling out your own paperwork and filing it with the court). 

There is another option, which is called collaborative law processes for divorce – or collaborative divorce proceedings. This option works well for individuals or couples who prefer retaining independent counsel – but still want to minimize overall expenses, courtroom drama, and unnecessary stress. 

Mediation vs Collaborative Law Processes: Which Is Best?

First, we’ll define each option, and then we’ll present scenarios where collaborative divorce may serve you better than mediation practices. Regardless of which one you choose, both options reduce total divorce expenses, protect the confidentiality, and keep you out of the ugly world of courtroom divorce litigation.

Mediation

As the name implies, divorce mediation is designed to help couples navigate their divorce with fairness and integrity while minimizing the negative emotional spectrum and stress. It’s highly recommended for couples who have children as the stress and tensions inherent in courtroom battles put a detrimental strain on children.

In this scenario, the couple meets with a family law mediator. The lawyer serves as a neutral party who listens to both sides, reviews the assets/financial accounts, and provides his/her input on how a judge would weigh on any existing conflicts or requests. In addition, family law mediators prioritize the well-being of children, so they also help with custody and child support agreements. 

The idea of mediation is to provide a safe and comfortable space for both parties to review the facts and where legal disputes can be discussed – and hopefully resolved – to both parties’ satisfaction. Mediation is also much more affordable than the fees associated with courtroom proceedings. While divorce and family law issues are often heated and tragic, my goal is to keep both parties calm and rational so that they can make agreements based on facts and reason rather than emotion.

Collaborative Divorce Processes Using Lawyers

Collaborative divorce processes using lawyers share the same goals, but each party has individual legal counsel. In this model, you hire your divorce attorney, and your spouse hires theirs. You let both lawyers know you’re interested in pursuing collaborative divorce proceedings. 

Both parties and their respective collaborative family law attorneys sign a contract stating their intention to use cooperative dispute resolution techniques, rather than combative tactics, to negotiate the gamut of divorce issues. We call this contract a “participation agreement.”

Now, over a series of scheduled meetings, you’ll come together much the same as you would in mediation, but your lawyers are there to represent your best interests. While things may get more contentious than in mediation (but not always), divorce attorneys also know your goal is to stay out of the courtroom, minimize conflict, and (again) minimize the negative impact of divorce on children’s wellbeing.

Scenarios When Divorce Collaboration Using Lawyers Is Best

Here are some scenarios when you may want to consider using individual lawyers for a collaborative divorce process.

You don’t completely trust your partner

If you don’t trust your partner or s/he has a history of being manipulative, hiring your lawyer may be the way to go. Your lawyer supports your process as you gather the paperwork, documentation, and other evidential items required to move forward. And their office will handle all of the legal forms necessary for divorce proceedings.  

If you suspect your partner is hiding assets, leading a dual life, or you’re wary of being able to negotiate without your advocate, lawyer-facilitated divorce collaboration is ideal.

You are the one who wanted a prenuptial agreement

If you led the prenuptial agreement charge, odds are you had family assets or personal acquisitions you wanted to keep out of the communal pot. Despite their role in the legal marriage arena, prenuptial agreements are not always the most secure documents. If there’s a prenup to protect, your lawyer knows how to manage that while working collaboratively with the other side.

You run your own business

If you didn’t take the necessary steps to protect your business interests from the marriage’s legal “community property” state, it could be at risk. If you aren’t careful, your spouse could have all kinds of legally sound grounds to maintain partial ownership of the business or force you to buy them out to continue running it as your own.

Tensions or anger levels are elevated

If the anger or tension levels are at an 8 – 10, and you fear this may threaten the mediation process, a collaborative divorce with attorneys is a good middle ground. This allows you both to honor the mediation and minimal conflict goals you share while minimizing the risks of arguments or old energy that may find its way into the picture without your own representatives there to help keep you both in check.

There are atypical complications (abuse, mental illness, addiction, etc.)

If your spouse (or yourself) has a history of domestic violence, abusing your children, or addiction, lawyer-led divorce collaboration ensures you and your children’s wellbeing and protection are the top priority. However, it supports the two of you moving forward with as much integrity and minimized tensions as possible. These scenarios may entail different protocols, documents, or agreements around child custody and visitation agreements. If any of these pertain to you, we recommend meeting for a consultation with a family law professional before making any agreements with your spouse around mediation or collaboration. Your attorney can help you determine which option is the wisest and safest.

Contact the Law Offices of Gerard Falzone to learn more about your divorce proceeding options. My goal is to facilitate your divorce with the least amount of stress, anxiety, financial burden, or negative outcomes possible. I’m happy to hear your side of things or meet with you both, to determine whether mediation or lawyer-led collaborative divorce proceedings would be best. Contact me to schedule a free consultation. (510) 521-9500.

Regardless of how toxic or dysfunctional a marriage may be, signing divorce papers is a very final step. Once a divorce is final, there is no going back without getting remarried all over again. So, it makes sense that some people have a harder time signing the final docs. 

Sometimes spouses are vindictive and spiteful, so their refusal is another way to get back at you. But then, there are cases where one person truly doesn’t believe divorce is the answer, in which case they’re honoring their personal values and feelings. 

Your Spouse Won’t Sign Divorce Papers? Here’s What To Do

Either way, a spouse’s refusal to sign divorce papers doesn’t mean you can’t get a divorce. Here are the steps to take to keep things moving forward.

Ask to meet with a mediator

The media has done a lot of damage when it comes to depicting what the average divorce actually looks like. For some, the idea of standing in a courtroom, spending thousands on lawyers, battling over child custody, etc., is a nightmare they refuse to participate in. That’s understandable, and there are ways to avoid that altogether.

First and foremost, if your spouse refuses to acknowledge the papers s/he was served, send a very neutral email or text requesting to meet with a divorce and child custody mediator. This is a much more affordable and straightforward way to move through a divorce with a minimum of drama. Read Mediation in Family Law Disputes to learn more about how mediation might be the right way to get your spouse in a more cooperative and collaborative state of mind.

Do NOT escalate the situation

There is absolutely no point in escalating the situation, especially if children are involved. Plus, it will do no good. Instead, keep a calm, neutral, and steady approach. Your spouse has been served, which is a legal action in and of itself. If s/he refuses to acknowledge that or follow the instructions, you have the right to move forward with a “Default Divorce,” in 30 Days.

Stay calm, breathe deep, get the support you need for you and your children, and remember that California is a “no-fault,” divorce state. There is absolutely no “power” in not signing, and it does not give your spouse the upper hand in any way. In fact, it could be viewed otherwise. For example, the California Family Law Court states:

In a “true default” case, you are giving up your right to have any say in your divorce or legal separation case. Before you choose this option, make sure you read the papers your spouse or domestic partner filed very carefully. What your spouse or partner asked for in his or her papers is probably going to be what the court orders. 

Your spouse’s refusal to respond or sign the documents as they are sets the Default Divorce in action. It does not alter how assets would be divided, child custody visitation and payment, or any owed spousal support. If your spouse and you are unable to come to an agreement, the court will decide for you.  

Nobody can prevent you from getting divorced, but you will have to abide by the court’s timeline to get to the other side.

If your spouse won’t sign divorce papers request a default divorce

Once your spouse is served, s/he has 30 days to respond. The judge automatically sets a Default Divorce hearing when a spouse doesn’t respond. There is nothing you need to do but show up to the hearing. Not responding means your spouse also waived his/her rights to contest any of your requests. 

At your hearing, the judge will decide on all counts and typically goes along with whatever the petitioner (you) requested since your spouse neither agreed to nor contested your petition and requests. In some cases, failure to acknowledge the divorce may actually compromise your spouse’s child custody/visitation situation. 

For example, if you requested an 80/20 child custody situation, and the court agrees, your spouse will only have the children 20% of the time and most likely owe you child support – ordered by the courts. Had s/he responded, she could have said, “No way, I want 50% custody of my children,” which is almost always honored by the courts (unless abuse of some kind is in question). In that case, you’d only have your child(ren) 50% of the time and may not receive any child support at all.

Regardless, once your divorce moves into the Default category, the judge determines:

• Division of property
• Child custody and support payments
• Division of assets
• Alimony (spousal support)

Schedule A Consultation With A Family Law Attorney

Either way, it’s always wise to schedule a one-time, fee-based consultation with a family law attorney. That is especially the case with a contentious, apathetic, or unresponsive spouse. We provide all the guidance you need to proceed on your own and ensure things are fairly handled. 

The Law Offices of Gerard Falzone have served Bay Area couples and families for more than 30 years. Mediation is always our first stop, but we are also here to represent your interests in a family law court. Contact us to schedule a free, 30-minute consultation or to schedule fee-based appointments to ensure your divorce moves forward as quickly, and with the least amount of stress, possible. Call our East Bay Office at (510) 521-9500 or contact our Marin County Firm at (510) 521-9500.