For many couples, initiating the divorce paperwork is a final step in a long and drawn-out saga, which is why one or both may already be dating other people or anxious to find love again. 

However, whenever possible, we recommend waiting until the divorce paperwork is officially filed—and until the divorce decree is finalized—to ensure it doesn’t come back to haunt you.

5 Reasons To Hold Off On Dating Until A Divorce Is Finalized

While California is considered a no-fault state, there are still several reasons it makes more sense to wait until your divorce is final before starting to date publicly (and that includes being mindful of social media posts).

It’s better for your children’s well-being

If there are children involved, it is best for them if you hold off on dating or introducing them to any romantic interest until your divorce is final. First of all, children can hold quite a bit of hurt, blame, shame, and confusion about the why and how of divorces and what it means for them and the family unit. Bringing someone else into the mix only amplifies those complex feelings, which makes it harder for children to adjust. This is especially true if you and your ex live together until the divorce is complete.

Depending on the age of your children and their understanding, they can think that:

• You are a dishonest person, or you chose a new person over them.
• They aren’t as important to you as they used to be.
• There is a chance that you will eventually leave them to be with someone new (and their family).

Hurt and confused children may blame the new person for the divorce, regardless of whether it was related to your situation. And, if your new partner has children with whom you spend time, your children can feel as if you’re choosing a new family, which is devastating to them. 

Waiting until there is a clear and legal divorce in place and until your family is used to the custody/visitation arrangement can support your children’s emotional well-being.

It can make the divorce more contentious (and more expensive)

Divorces are emotionally complicated as it is, and the more contentious they become, the more expensive they can be. Working with a divorce mediator is one of the best ways to minimize drama and tension and move forward in a more seamless and business-like manner, honoring emotions without letting them escalate into war-like conflict. The more heated things become, the more likely it is that they will need lawyers to represent each side, and that can become costly. 

Experts estimate that working with a divorce mediator saves couples thousands of dollars compared to divorce cases that proceed to the courtroom. Dating before you’ve moved through a complete divorce process can add fuel to the embers, making it impossible to complete things without a courtroom battle.

It can increase what you have to pay in spousal or child support

In California, most legal professionals and judges rely on a spousal support and child support calculator, both of which can be found on the state’s family law websites. These calculators use an algorithm to determine how much, if anything, is owed by one party to another.

However, because it’s a computer doing the math, the figures it throws out may be more than make sense to you and your partner, and a mediator can help you determine payments that align more with the true everyday picture and each party’s needs. Of course, at any time during the six months leading up to when you file—and when the paperwork is finalized—either party can renege and request a different arrangement.

So, if your ex gave you a bit of a break about what you would owe them but then became triggered by jealousy, anger, or frustration about your dating, you can wind up paying more because they’ll no longer give you the break you initially agreed on.

Also, keep in mind that if you move in with someone before the divorce is final, it can look like you have more means than you do, which can also alter spousal/child support payments because the courts expect the spouses’ or children’s lifestyles to be relatively equal in both households.

It may affect the way the courts view your assets

California is considered a community property state, and (barring legal separation), all of the assets acquired while you are married are split 50/50 until the day your divorce is final. If you start dating someone, and your ex feels that you’re draining assets from joint accounts or that wouldn’t have been spent otherwise, they can fight that and try to recoup their portion of what has been spent.

If you do opt to date before things are finalized, we recommend keeping your expenses at the same level as when you were married. Avoid any large or unusual spending sprees (jewelry, clothing, trips, expensive dinners, cars, etc.), as they can come back to bite you. And, it goes without saying, never hide assets during a divorce.

Minimize personal stress & use the time to heal

Finally, your life leading up to a divorce was anything but easy. And now, during the divorce, stress levels will continue at an elevated rate. Even the most straightforward divorces are still emotionally challenging. Give yourself the gift of solitude, without bringing another human into the mix. 

The six months between when you file and when the divorce is finalized provide a perfect window for self-reflection and healing, continued work with a family therapist to establish strong and stable co-parenting processes, and creating new routines and traditions with your children. 

Schedule A Mediation Consultation At The Law Offices of Gerard A. Falzone

Family law mediators work to minimize conflict and reduce stress during and after a divorce, and that includes advising clients about why it pays to wait rather than date during a divorce. 

If you’re looking for the best way to achieve a quick, stress-free, and seamless divorce process, schedule a mediation consultation with Gerard A. Falzone. The sooner you make solid decisions and agreements, the sooner your divorce will be finalized, and you can begin moving forward with your new life and all that it has to offer.

If you have children and are getting divorced, you owe it to them to do all you can to support their mental and emotional well-being through a challenging time. Creating healthy and seamless parenting plans that keep children outside of your interpersonal issues is the best way to foster their security, confidence, and emotional well-being.

After A Divorce: Healthy Co-Parenting Plans After Divorce Is Essential To Children’s Well-Being

It can be difficult to keep children out of the emotionally tangled web that emerges through a divorce. However, doing so is essential if you want your children to thrive. 

The good news is that children are resilient, but providing a healthy foundation to develop and grow into that resilience is one of the best things you and your ex-spouse can do for your children (and future grandchildren).

Start making (and modeling) healthy co-parenting agreements before the divorce

It’s not uncommon for Bay Area couples to live together in the same house through the initial divorce proceedings – or for some time thereafter – as decisions are made about finances, who will live where, finding the right places to live, etc. Even so, this is a good time to begin talking about healthy co-parenting agreements that foster:

• Clear communication.
• Set and predictable child custody/visitation agreements.
• Reasonable timelines and processes for communicating/requesting inevitable schedule changes that will occur over time.
• Shared household rules/values/boundaries/consequences so things are consistent for children in both households (once you’re in separate spaces).
• And so on.

The earlier these things are put into play and modified as needed, the easier it will be for children to feel safe and trust the new arrangement once the divorce is finalized.

Enlist support from family therapists who specialize in divorce

Unless you are part of the very minimal percentage of the population moving through an amicable divorce, we highly recommend seeking support from a family therapist during this next chapter of your life. Even kids who seem like “everything is fine” benefit from an objective, neutral, non-parent figure to help them navigate all that arises through a divorce and for the year afterward. 

Experienced therapists do amazing work when it comes to:

• Facilitating the development of a customized co-parenting plan and agreement (some of which should involve the children’s input and feelings if it’s age-appropriate to do so).
• Identifying feelings and experiences that you may not have picked up on in your children.
• Cultivating healthy listening, speaking, and processing skills when things are hard.
• Developing the tools that will best serve you when issues come up between you and your ex-spouse or your children over the next year or so of adjustment.

Establishing a relationship with a therapist you trust now means having a trained ally who can step in if and when you need it later on and as things evolve. 

Understand how divorce affects children at various ages

Every child is different, but researchers have been able to draw correlations between how children of divorce are affected based on their age when the divorce happened. Understanding what to expect can help you both prepare for how to meet their behaviors or expressions with greater compassion, patience, and understanding, and to have a plan for how to meet those moments.

NOTE: Almost all experts and studies agree that “staying together for the children” is rarely a healthy decision. The longer children live in a dysfunctional family (or under the umbrella of a toxic parent relationship), the worse they fare. 

Here is a general synopsis of children’s reactions and experiences of divorce during the first year or so, according to their age. Acting out at home or at school is common for all ages.

• Ages 2 – 5: Because children of this age can’t comprehend the concept of divorce, what they experience is that parents can leave. This can make them fearful, and they often tend to blame themselves for the divorce. Do not be surprised if your toddler regresses a bit, which can mean bedwetting, tantrums, long crying spells, etc.
• Ages 5 – 8: By this age, children have a greater understanding of what divorce means and may have experienced it through friends with divorced parents. They may still blame themselves, but their filters or direct overhearing of parents’ conversations can cause them to blame a specific parent or to experience inner struggles around loyalty. They are usually still hoping for reconciliation. They experience profound sadness, which can become depression, anxiety, and anger, as well as grief.
• Ages 9 – 12: This can be a terrifying time because children ages 9 – 12 are just starting to experience separation from their parents, which brings its own sense of isolation and confusion. They are more apt to understand divorce from different angles. While there may be some self-blame, they’re more apt to express their sadness, grief, and anger directly at one or both parents.
• The adolescent and teen years. The adolescent and early teen years are challenging in strong, healthy family units, so divorce exacerbates this. Your child will likely have very strong opinions about who’s to blame and how things should be handled. Depression and anxiety are likely, and children at this stage are more likely to start acting out, distrust any relationship, have suicidal thoughts, and be at risk for more delinquent behaviors.

Speak to your ex-spouse about your child(ren), where they are at, and how they are likely to experience the divorce in their inner and outside lives, and create a united plan that supports various scenarios or issues as they arise.

Talk about future triggers and how to handle them

Depending on the nature of your divorce, it may seem impossible to think about things like dating, remarriage, the addition of other children into the mix, the birth of a new baby, potential relocation, etc. However, all of these things are unpredictable – but very possible – in the two to five years or so after a divorce. 

It’s always best to honestly communicate with one another, alerting the other parent to any changes on the horizon, before the children find out, so you can both be on the same page about how to present new information and handle potential fallout.

Honor the co-parenting agreement (re-evaluating & amending as needed)

Once that co-parenting agreement is in place, honor it. The agreement you have about how to handle parenting, visitation, child custody schedules, finances, etc., is all there to support your children’s well-being. It is not a place to wield power or passively-aggressively handle interpersonal issues.

If the agreement no longer serves the situation, you can amend it. If you’re in a good place, this can be done together and in writing, so there is a new, clear agreement for reference. If you’re experiencing tension or disagreement, seek support from a family law mediator who can help things move forward smoothly and with the least conflict.

The Law Offices of Gerard A. Falzone Help Couples Establish Healthy Parenting Plans

Would you like support creating a healthy coparenting agreement that facilitates seamless parenting after your divorce? Good for you for putting your children first. 

The Law Offices of Gerard A. Falzone have more than 40 years of experience helping Bay Area couples navigate divorce and child custody using mediation to minimize stress, toxicity, and the unnecessary expenditure of energy and money that goes into non-mediated divorces. Get in touch with us to schedule a time to sit down. Together, we’ll create personalized agreements that help your post-divorce family thrive.

There is no perfect time for a divorce, but when divorce proceedings coincide with a child heading into college – or one already there – things can be more complicated. 

While you still think of your college student as a child, the courts typically view children 18 and over as legal adults, and that means most child support orders dissolve after their 18th birthday unless the custody agreement states otherwise.

College Expenses During Divorce: How to Create a Health Parenting Agreement

This means you and your ex-spouse (or soon-to-be) should discuss how you plan to help a child manage college expenses during the divorce.

If you’re having difficulty navigating the conversation without spiraling into an argument, think about enlisting support from a divorce mediator who can help facilitate an open, healthy, and respectful dialogue as you craft the terms of your divorce and child custody agreement.

Here are some tips on how to move forward.

Get clear about what’s financially reasonable after the divorce

A single household’s expenses are usually more affordable to maintain than the two households created after a divorce. Before finalizing your divorce agreement, have open communication about what’s realistically possible when it comes to your children’s college education. 

It may be that things have to shift. So, we recommend having conversations that take a realistic, objective view of:

• What’s reasonable or even possible once finances and assets are divided and you live on individual incomes?
• What expenses do you each consider necessary? While you and your ex-spouse may agree on splitting the tuition 50/50 (or whatever split makes sense for your income), you may hold differing views around what constitutes a necessary expense. Try to iron out which expenses each parent feels they should contribute to so there aren’t negative responses if one or the other refuses to pay for specific expenditures. 
• What other resources could be used to support the goal (student loans, parent loans, loans from grandparents/other family members, scholarships, grants, etc.)?
• Which college expenses you can and can’t cover (tuition, room and board, books/fees, spending money, car expenses, etc.)?
• Limitations that would be placed on these fees (for example, you may agree you’re both willing to split the $12,000/year tuition at a state college vs. the $45,000/year tuition at a private university). 

Answers to these questions can help you clarify what’s feasible for your child(ren) in the future.

If your child is approaching college age, you can have a final conversation with them to explain what (if anything) has changed and how you plan to approach it. It’s not always easy, but young adults fare best when they know the full picture and are prepared for what their future decisions will mean for you as parents and for them as students pursuing academia. 

Does it make sense to include college expenses in the child custody agreement?

A child custody agreement is a legal document, and you and your spouse are beholden to what the court orders (barring modifications). While it’s true that most child custody agreements automatically terminate once a child turns 18, you can have college expenses become a part of the agreement beforehand – the same way you might include things like health insurance expenses.

If you’re getting divorced and you plan to help your children with college expenses, discuss your expectations with your divorce mediation attorney or lawyer and have college expense expectations included in the child custody agreement. Setting a base amount paid from one party to the other provides a stable foundation of what funds are available. 

From there, managing college expenses during the divorce can be a fluid conversation between you and your child moving forward, which is why cultivating healthy co-parenting communication is essential.

Examples of how to handle managing college expenses via your divorce agreement include:

• A 50/50 split of all expenses directly related to education (tuition, dorm/meal fees, books, etc.).
• Proportional split of expenses based on income (this method uses an algorithm that determines how much is paid based on a parent’s income).
• Depositing a specific amount into a designated college savings fund (which could also be a 529 or investment fund).
• Put the value of a marital asset into a college fund and consider that the final contribution (unless you choose to pay more later).

You can also forgo putting anything in the divorce agreement and agree not to obligate a set amount in the future. The idea of paying for your child’s college education is well-intentioned but simply may not be possible, depending on what the future holds. So, you also have the right to leave any financial commitment after they turn 18 out of the divorce agreement with the intent to contribute what you can once the time comes.

Understand that college expenses during divorce (and marriage) are variable (and conditional)

Unlike child support calculations for a minor, there is no mathematical algorithm or calculator used by the California divorce courts to determine the amount you should contribute to a college-aged child. Supporting an adult child through college or trade school is a parent’s personal choice.

College tuition fees and expenses are highly variable, depending on things like:

• Whether a child attends a community, state, private university, trade school, etc.
• The number of units taken each semester/quarter.
• Are they attending a local or out-of-state college?
• Are travel funds required to get them home/back during vacations?
• Do you plan to pay for their vehicle or transportation?
• What if they decide to travel abroad?
• What happens if they take gap years and college loan payments kick in?
• What if they fail classes or don’t graduate?

A wide range of variables affects college expenses, and each parent has the right to limit what they contribute depending on how they feel about each one.

The Law Offices of Gerard A. Falzone Can Help You Navigate Who Pays What

In our experience, most parents have nothing but the best intentions when managing college expenses during a divorce and afterward. However, we also understand that these conversations aren’t always easy or seamless.

The Law Offices of Gerard A. Falzone offer divorce and child custody mediation, making the divorce process as minimally stressful as possible. That includes scaffolding conversations around what’s possible – and realistic – for funding a child’s college fees after a divorce and providing examples of what other clients have done. Contact us to schedule a free consultation to see if we can help.

The holidays bring extra challenges for those going through a divorce and those who got divorced in the past year or two. This is especially true if you have children. These tips can help you cope with the complicated feelings that arise while doing your best to enjoy special holiday moments with your family.

The season and just after the new year is one of the most common times of year that people initiate and file divorces. There are so many triggers that come up for individuals at this time of year and the holidays can bring it all to a head. 

Tips For How To Cope With Divorce During The Holidays

After more than 40 years working in family law mediation, supporting spouses and families to minimize conflict, I’ve observed what helps them navigate the holidays amid such a tender and charged time.

Here are five things that can make a tremendous difference, ensuring you can find moments of peace and joy, even when everything feels overwhelming or bleak.

Schedule an extra appointment with your therapist if needed

I see first-hand how therapy can support individuals, couples, and their children – even if it doesn’t work to “save the marriage.” Having some extra time in the therapist’s office to vent about what you’re experiencing and get fresh input around emotional tools that can help you can make all the difference. 

Children also benefit from having an objective person to share their experiences with and to give them coping strategies for the inevitably challenging moments ahead.

Create a list of 5 emotional support tools (and have it ready)

There will be so many potential triggers, from your personal history of not-so-great holiday memories and the grief of your own divorce to difficult family dynamics or the impression that every other family is happy but yours.

Having a go-to list of emotional support tools on a note card in your pocket or on your phone provides something physical that you can look at to help get your emotions back on track. This might include things like:

• Taking three to five deep belly breaths (exhale for two counts longer than the inhale).
• Listening to a guided meditation.
• Going outside to focus on something in nature, like the leaves on a tree, clouds, stars, etc.
• Coming up with a line or mantra that resonates with you, like, “This too shall pass,” “All will be well,” “I will make it through this,” or “One moment at a time.” Of course, feel free to make your own (and snarky versions that make you smile are just as good as the meaningful ones).
• Burning energy with physical movement (do jumping jacks in a bathroom stall if you need to.

These are just some examples that clients have shared with me regarding divorce during the holidays. Create a list of things that help you get back to a more centered calm.

Make Co-parenting a top priority

If you share custody with your ex-spouse, now’s the time to double down on those co-parenting agreements you’ve made. You are bound to feel yourself getting frustrated or angry at your ex, especially if this is your first time or two having to juggle different household holiday calendars.

• Hold fast to the goal of not speaking ill of their other parent or showing obvious signs of anger or frustration. Children take this personally and inevitably feel like it’s their fault. 
• Set a financial cap on each household’s gift-giving so there’s no temptation to “win” with the kids because one or the other gives better gifts.
• Take time out to revisit the calendar together and make sure that any visitation changes are in the calendar and agreed upon in writing (emails are better than texts for this). 
• If geography permits, ensure your children have time to spend with their grandparents on both sides, even if that means taking time out of your own visiting schedule. The grandparent-grandchild relationship can be a huge benefit to your children’s emotional wellbeing, so don’t deny them that – even if it’s painful or challenging for you. 

Health co-parenting helps to raise emotionally balanced and healthy children. It should always be a year-round top priority.

Find time to grieve your divorce during the holidays

 A divorce is a type of death, and there is so much grief inherent in the dissolution of a marriage. It can take years to recover, and the holidays heighten our awareness of grief in our lives. Take time to honor your sadness rather than feeling like you have to cover it up.

• Schedule a coffee/phone date with a friend or loved one who can listen and support you.
• Go on a ranting walk with a fellow divorced friend or co-worker to vent some of that energy.
• Journal your feelings or type them out.
• If you live with other people, the shower is a good place to cry without anyone noticing.
• Watch sad movies that help you be more present with your own sadness.

The more you honor your emotions, the more they free up inside your body, creating more space for the good ones.

Give yourself lots of calendar flexibility

There’s a good chance you won’t feel like attending the typical number of holiday gatherings and events. That’s perfectly normal. Just because you feel like attending the work party scheduled for next week doesn’t mean you’ll feel like going on the actual day. 

• Say “No,” to any event you don’t want to attend. If you go, odds are it will only make you feel worse instead of better, and it uses up valuable energy that could be spent doing something that nourishes you.
• Block in extra time to be alone if possible (consider babysitting swaps with friends if funds are tight).
• Use “Maybe” RSVPs anytime so you’re not locked in.
• Remember that we can celebrate the holidays and special events on any calendar day, so it’s okay to postpone or create a make-up day if that’s easier for you (if you’re a parent in the midst of a battle about who gets the kids on an exact holiday, this is an opportunity to teach your children that holidays are about family and they can spend another holiday celebration with you the day before, or after, or the next weekend).

The Law Offices of Gerard A. Falzone Wishes You Ease-ful Holiday Moments

While this may not be the merriest holiday for you, the Law Offices of Gerard A. Falzone hopes that these tips will provide more moments of ease for you during this traditionally festive season. 

If you’re planning on moving forward with a divorce during the holidays, our family law practice focuses on divorce and child custody mediation services that support couples with a minimum of the tension or drama that is inherent in traditional courtroom proceedings. Contact our office to schedule a consultation.