When Divorce Means Letting Go of Shared Dreams: Redefining Your Future

The long-standing emotional impacts of a divorce are one of the least tended to when a couple – and family – is going through after finalizing a divorce. One of these impacts is the forced abandonment of shared dreams, and what that means for redefining your future and that of your divided (and future-blended) family.

While pursuing divorce mediation can go a long way toward sparing unnecessary drama, stress, and damaging emotional fallout for adults and children, there is still the inevitable loss of both individual and shared dreams. These losses are impactful, and we highly recommend taking time to honor them, find ways to let go, and then create new plans and dreams that redefine the future you’re creating.

Steps For Honoring The Losses Inherent in a Divorce & Stepping Into the Future

According to the California divorce courts, the average divorce takes at least six months from start to finish (from the time you file your divorce papers until the divorce is legally finalized. However, for most couples – barring lengthy court or custody battles – the average time between deciding you’re getting divorced and the day the divorce is final averages closer to one year or more.

By the time a divorce is final, there’s typically a tremendous amount of water under the bridge. And, despite anyone’s best efforts to minimize drama and negative emotional impacts, the dissolution of a marriage – and the dividing of a family – results in the loss of dreams.

Some of the most common dreams impacted by a divorce include things like:

Having a marriage that was as satisfying as others you’ve observed, such as your grandparents, your own parents, or other relatives, friends, or loved ones.
Growing old with the one you love.
Intimate companionship.
Having children.
Raising your children in a united, single household.
Having the same type of relationship with in-laws and family friends associated with your ex.
Financial security now and into retirement.
Aging-in-place in the same home.
Enjoying the shared family traditions that were part of your family’s – and the extended families’ – culture.
Access to memory-generating “assets: that may not have been yours (vacation homes, boats, etc.)
The unfolding of holidays and family events without the added layer of deciding things like “who’s going where, with whom.”
And so on.

Long after a divorce, many people still experience an acute level of grief related to the process and the long-term sacrifices resulting from the dissolution of a marriage, shared household, and family.

After more than 40 years working as a Bay Area divorce and child custody mediator, I’ve seen how the following steps can support individuals and couples emotionally and spiritually as they navigate and move beyond divorce in healthy and vibrant ways.

1. Work with a family therapist from the beginning (if possible)

Whenever possible, I highly recommend couples work with an experienced marriage and family therapist. Because divorce mediators work tirelessly to minimize stress and unnecessary emotional fallout along the way, we can provide high-quality referrals for divorce therapists in your area.

Beyond the idea of “saving the marriage,” family therapists can help you identify the losses associated with the divorce process. This includes the loss of individual and shared dreams that are no longer possible – at least not in the same way you originally dreamed them – now that you and your ex-spouse are going your separate ways.

If you have children, this step is especially important because they don’t always realize the way the legacy of divorce will follow them throughout their lives. For example, your divorce means something different when it comes to “having their family with them” for important events and milestones, like holidays, graduations, weddings, the birth of their children, and so on. Working as a family to recognize and honor these dreams can help tremendously when it comes to making sense of difficult feelings down the road.

2. Consider attending a divorce grief group

In almost all cases, divorces create some level of grief in all parties involved. Depending on the situation, and whether or not you have children, this can also include feelings of guilt, abandonment, or can trigger feelings of worthlessness or a lack of self-confidence.

While your therapist can help you and your family on an individual and shared level, it can be especially helpful to navigate these feelings with others who are going through the same thing. Many clients find that attending Bay Area divorce support groups provides a tremendous amount of solace as they navigate the process and the weeks and months afterward. Children can also find it helpful to meet with others their age because these topics aren’t typically discussed at school – and most won’t be open about things with their friends.

The post-divorce world can feel very isolating and lonely. Depending on your age or stage of lif,e you can feel like you’re the only one. This is particularly true for parents with young children or divorcing couples who are close to or post-retirement. Children almost always have some sense of “everyone else’s parents are together…” despite the fact that statistics tell us otherwise.

If attending a group isn’t appealing, use other search terms for activities specifically dedicated to divorced adults or children of divorce. Churches and spiritual centers are also spaces that tend to honor the losses and grief associated with divorce. Meeting with a facilitated group of others who are walking the same path as you and your other family members can be tremendously supportive and nourishing at this tender time.

3. Create rituals to “let go” of the dreams that will no longer come to fruition

Thinking about and talking about things can only do so much. Sometimes, people find greater relief and comfort in engaging in more embodied practices that honor what has been lost in the breakup of a household and family.

If you embark on therapy or support groups to work with letting go of your dreams, there is a good chance they may have practices, rituals, or group activities that help to facilitate that process for you. If not, there are plenty of opportunities to create your own rituals.

If your ex-spouse (and children) are willing, this can be something you can all do together – in addition to any divorce rituals or actions that make sense individually or for the new family units (dad/kids, mom/kids, etc.).

Here are some resources to begin thinking about rituals or practices that might help you and your family let go of dreams and move forward into the new reality in ways that speak to you:

For many, something as simple as writing a journal entry about the dreams you’ve had that are lost and then burning that letter in a fire can be a way to symbolize the end of one chapter and the beginning of another.

4. Inviting in the new

Sometimes, dreams are truly lost for good – with no other way to reclaim them. Other times, dreams evolve or morph into a different version of themselves. And, of course, with the dissolving of one dream (or a set of dreams), there is also the space and opportunity to set new plans and dreams in motion.

As you grieve what’s lost, also make time to think about what you’d like to look forward to or “step into” in this next phase of your life. Perhaps there are hobbies you never had a chance to try, places you never visited, or life paths you’ve previously passed by because they didn’t interest your mate. Now is the time to begin imagining what’s next for you.

Keep in mind that if you are in the early stages of your divorce or post-divorce journey, it may be too soon for this. You’ll need to allow plenty of time to be present with and honor your current losses – and this time varies from person to person. However, over time, begin paying attention to what lights you up, moves you, or puts a smile on your face without thinking about it. Think about the interests and dreams you used to have that never came to fruition becuase you were married. Take little steps into those spaces and follow the threads. Paying attention to what brings you joy over time is the first step in creating new dreams and new plans to define the future.

Working With a Divorce Mediator Supports the Emotional Letting Go Processes

The Law Offices of Gerard A. Falzone specializes in divorce mediation as well as collaborative divorce alternatives in order to help couples and families navigate a more stress-free and emotionally supportive process. In addition to helping you make decisions that enhance quality of life during and after this tender time, we can also put you in touch with therapists, counselors, and other Bay Area organizations that can help you and your family let go of shared dreams and begin redefining your future. Contact us to schedule a consultation.

How to Navigate Co-Parenting When Your Ex Moves Away

California family law courts are clear that they prioritize children’s well-being, with each parent’s rights a close second. Therefore, if your ex decides to move away, swift action on your part is essential to keep the unfolding path as stress- and trauma-free as possible for your children, you, and their other parent.

If you’ve heard that your ex-partner or spouse is planning to move away to a location that would alter a child’s school district or that would make it difficult (or impossible) to honor current custody/visitation agreements, we highly recommend seeking counsel from a family law mediator who can review your case and help you navigate the way forward.

Co-Parenting Begins With Clear, Legal Custody & Visitation Agreements Addressing Relocation

First, it’s critical to understand that CA Family Law Courts are very clear about the steps forward when one parent chooses to move away – especially if there is a 50/50 or 60/40 custody/visitation agreement in place. Among other things, the parent considering a move should provide notice to the other custodial parent (or the parent with visitation rights) at least 45 days before the proposed move.

According to their Child Custody Self-Help Guide, the only way a custodial parent can change where a child lives without permission from the other parent or input from the courts is:

It won’t interfere with the current orders for custody and visitation (parenting time).
They’ve let the other parent know about the change (given notice).

If a parent wants to move away (relocate) with a child to a place that is far away and will interfere with the current custody and visitation order, that parent may need to ask for a court order before the child can move with that parent.

In family law, this is called a move-away case or a relocation case.

There are very few situations in which the courts will grant permission for a parent with primary physical custody to move out of the county or state, or to remove children from their current school district. These include:

They have sole custody of the child (unless the non-custodial parent can prove the move would be harmful to the child).
They can prove that moving is in the best interest of the child (difficult to prove, especially if the other parent has had an active role in the child’s life and if the child is relatively stable in their current daily life).

So, please trust that the law is on your side when it comes to keeping you and your child together and able to maintain a relationship in alignment with your child custody and visitation agreement.

What if we don’t have a legal custody/visitation agreement when my ex moves away?

We always recommend having a legal child custody and visitation agreement in place if you share custody with someone else. Even in the best adult relationships, time marches on, and a sound, forward-thinking custod/visitation agreement becomes the foundation from which co-parenting evolves becuase it outlines common life scenarios and how they should be handled.

And, of course, the agreement serves as the formative benchmark in the unfortunate case that you have to take legal action.

As noted above, the courts prioritize children’s well-being, which takes precedence. In the case that there is no child custody or visitation agreement in place, the law states that “the judge will make a decision based on what’s in the best interests of your child without any assumptions based on physical custody.”

Either way, enlisting the support and advice of a family lawyer is critical because time is of the essence to minimize fallout from a potentially contentious situation, which takes a serious toll on the children.

Step 1: Enlist Help From a Family Law Mediator

The first step is to enlist support from a family law mediator to minimize conflict and tension. Mediators help the two parents navigate future decisions in the least stressful, least emotionally taxing way possible, and it is far more affordable than a time- and energy-consuming legal battle.

The family law mediator will review your existing custody/child visitation agreement, listen to both of your stories, and provide legal counsel in a way that aligns with what current family law courts would most likely recommend or decide.

Depending on the situation, we may recommend filing an emergency child custody order to help keep your child in the same school district and community, as future decisions are made by the parents, legal representatives, and the courts (if necessary).

Step 2: Make true, healthy co-parenting the goal

It’s hard to keep ego out of the equation when a spouse wants to move away, but all current and future conversations will run more smoothly when genuine, cooperative parenting (co-parenting) is the goal. If conversations become heated or cross respectful boundaries, take a break and schedule time to start over. Regardless of the outcome, you’ll be navigating co-parenting decisions for many years to come, so taking the high road in all communication will pay off in invaluable ways as the years go by.

Your family law mediator is your best ally in navigating emotionally difficult conversations, helping to keep things on track and within the scope of CA family law’s best practices.

If, for some reason, permission to move is granted by the courts, your family law representative will help to establish things like:

What the new custody/visitation terms would look like.
How inevitable changes to those plans will take place (written requests, children’s input, etc. etc.)
Who is responsible for significant changes in travel fees (often, the parent requesting the move becomes responsible for paying all or a significant portion of plane fares/travel expenses, etc.).
Other common scenarios that can be built into the new agreement.

Step 3: Objectively assess your children’s well-being in both scenarios

Is there any chance at all that this move would be better for your child, even if it means a different way of life for you? If it comes down to a judge’s decision, they’re going to establish things like:

Have you and your ex had a relatively cooperative post-divorce parenting relationship? If one or the other of you is an obvious “disruptor” or “aggravator,” that may impact how this situation is viewed.
How far is the move, and what level of disruption will relocating entail when it comes to your child’s travel to/from both homes?
Does your child have the ability to be in contact with you freely, without always relying on the other parent’s phone or presence?
Will the move significantly impact the child’s ability to maintain a relationship with you?
Is the child’s life stable now?
How do they feel about their current school, and how are they doing academically?
Do they have a stable community of family, friends, neighbors where they are now vs where they would be moving to?
Are they involved in sports and extracurricular activities, and will that be significantly disrupted by the move?
Will the move benefit the child in significant ways?
And so on.

As you think about these things, you’ll have a sense of how a judge will view them as well. If there’s any chance the move would benefit your child, it’s worth considering whether you’re willing to relocate as well? That may feel extreme but if the court does weigh in favor of the move, your relocation speaks volumes to your child about what you’re willing to do to support them into their adult years. Or, is there a custody/visitation agreement you can live with that also upholds what’s best for your child?

We would never encourage long-distance relocation unless it’s the only option, but we also know of cases where that has been the ultimate decision by the parent who would have missed out on being with their children.

Step 4: Respectfully bring older children into the conversation

Again, the CA Custody Self-Help Guide reminds us that judges take children’s well-being seriously, and children’s ages factor into their final decision. They state:

A move at a younger age can impact a child differently than an older child. Sometimes, for an older and mature child, the judge may ask a counselor to talk with a child to find out what they want.

There is a good chance the courts will consider older children’s input and requests, which can affect their decision. However, this can be very challenging for a child. If their input is being considered, we recommend engaging a family therapist specializing in children/teens to ensure they’re supported emotionally throughout the process.

Co-Parenting & Mediation: Immediate Support When an Ex is Relocating With Your Children

Have you received notification that your ex plans to move away with your child(ren) such that it significantly impacts your ability to uphold your custody and visitation agreement? Your children deserve healthy, connected, and close relationships with both parents whenever possible. The Law Offices of Gerard A. Falzone are dedicated to helping families just like yours.

Schedule a child custody mediation consultation to learn more about what you can do to navigate co-parenting when relocation is on the horizon. Our goal is to find the least traumatic and emotionally draining path to honor what’s best for everyone, always in accordance with current California family law parameters. Contact us to learn more about how we can support you by calling 510-521-9500.

The Best Gift to Kids In A Divorce: Access to Both Parents

The holidays are supposed to be one of the most wonderful times of the year, especially for children. However, children of divorced parents often dread the holidays because fielding the issues between their parents creates stressful, guilt-ridden, and anxious situations.

If you are divorced, never underestimate what a wonderful gift it can be to ensure children have equal access to both parents – and traditions – especially in those initial, post-divorce years.

If navigating the holidays after a divorce feels stressful for you, or you can sense a storm brewing, consider scheduling a session with a family law mediator who can neutrally facilitate deep conversations that guide you both towards a mutually healthy plan for your children.

Prioritize the Children’s Well-Being When Making Child Visitation Plans Over the Holidays

As a career, Bay Area divorce and child custody mediator, I know first-hand how vital it is to prioritize the children’s mental and emotional well-being when getting divorced.

Yes, kids are resilient, but countless studies highlight the benefits of healthy co-parenting agreements for children’s long-term success. How you handle the holidays – including sacrificing some of the things you want to protect the good of the whole – has a significant impact on your children’s futures – including the ability to look back with wonder at how well their parents navigated the post-divorce waters.

2. Preserve their favorite traditions whenever possible (including time spent with in-laws)

When you’re navigating holidays and other rites of passage with children after a divorce, “rise above your personal horizon” is a wise mantra to follow. All of the water under the bridge between your spouse and you has absolutely nothing to do with your children. They deserve to have clear, loving, and supportive relationships with both parents.

Sometimes that can mean being gracious enough to give a little more than you want so that they can have more time with your spouse and their extended family. For example, perhaps this is the year your out-of-state in-laws are coming to visit, and your child wants more time with them. Sadly, grandparents don’t usually have rights in divorce cases, which can negatively impact a very nourishing relationship and support system for children in a split household. In this scenario, it may shift the arrangement already established in your child custody agreement about which house it is for the holidays this year.

Or, it might mean attending a shared religious or spiritual ceremony using tactful decorum while in the same space as your ex. Depending on the situation, it might mean bending the time frame a bit to support your child’s favorite activities or customs. Whatever the case may be, do your very best to honor the children’s needs and wishes, and to keep them free of turbulent relational waters that shouldn’t be theirs to navigate.

And, as always, any changes to the legal child custody/visitation agreement should be stated in writing (email is always better than text) with a written response from the other party).

2. Keep new partners out of the equation if it’s a trigger

We always recommend waiting until after a divorce is final before dating. But, even so, the first year or two may not be the best ones for trying to integrate new partners and their families unless your children are 100% on board. That is less common, in my experience.

It can be very confusing for children, especially if they are still grieving your divorce. Also, if that triggers their other parent, your children inevitably end up in those choppy waters we mentioned above – and that’s not fair. You can find plenty of windows or opportunities to have honorary holiday celebrations and moments with a new partner outside the traditional mix for the first year or two, after which there are healthy ways to navigate a blended family dynamic.

3. Keep holiday budgets the same in both households

Unfortunately, parents who feel guilty about the divorce – or who want to “win” – use material objects to buy their way into their children’s better graces. This is highly damaging to children and their future perspectives on healthy relationships. You can ask any adult child who lived through a divorce, and they’ll tell you they knew exactly who was trying to ply their affection using looser rules or by giving them everything they wanted in the material sense. It’s not a good plan.

We recommend keeping the holiday budget for the kids the same as it would have been if you were still married and living in the same household. Depending on the financial situation, this may mean that one of you spends a bit more, as a 50/50 split of expenses may not be possible. When possible and as long as things remain cooperative, it’s a good idea to present the “bigger ticket gifts” together so the gift is received unilaterally. Then, smaller gifts or stocking stuffers can be given at either person’s home when the holiday is observed.

4. Make quality time with your kids the priority

Beyond the divorce, the holidays can be a tremendous trigger for many adults due to issues within their own nuclear family dynamics. Holidays are also typically a stretch on the budget and lead to an overly packed calendar, all of which can exacerbate feelings of anxiety or pressure.

However, as we’ve highlighted several times already, your children’s well-being is the priority. If that means staying home this year from crazy holiday functions, hooray!

Intentionally spend some quality time:

Snuggle up on the couch and spend some quality time playing cards, games, or watching favorite holiday movies.
Take a sunset drive (or walk) to tour the community’s holiday decorations.
Take a half-day or use a weekend to drive to see the snow, support your local theater/dance troupes, and see live productions of The Nutcracker, A Christmas Story, A Christmas Carol, and other iconic productions.
Cook or bake together – even if neither of you is a proven cook/baker – and enjoy the nonstop giggles and jokes.
Have a PJ dance party.
Head to a favorite restaurant or coffee shop and enjoy a phone-free meal!

Ultimately, the holidays are all about love, connection, and memory-making – and ensuring that your children have time to do that with you AND your ex-spouse is one of the best ways to honor and model those values.

Gerard A. Falzone Helps Divorced Families Create Holiday Plans Honor Access to Both Parents

As a Bay Area family law professional specializing in mediation, I’ve helped hundreds of families create holiday plans that ensure kids have access to both parents. I’m in the business of helping families thrive after a divorce, and I’m happy to work with you and your ex-spouse to do the same.

Are you interested in finding creative ways to navigate the holidays after a divorce? Do you agree that the best gift to give to your kids in a divorce is access to both parents, but you’re having a hard time making it happen? You are not alone. The Law Offices of Gerard A. Falzone are here to accompany you as we create plans for strong, healthy, and thriving post-divorce families – especially during the holiday season. Contact us to schedule a pre-holiday consultation and keep the holidays as joy-filled as possible.

Child Custody Agreements: Whose House For the Holidays?

The good news about child custody agreements is that they create a routine for holidays agreed upon by both parents and upheld by California family law. These agreements usually outline who the child(ren) will spend time with (or how) over the holidays.

Creating a child custody agreement with the help of a family law specialist is the best way to ensure it’s reasonable and honors the inevitable changes that will arise over time.

Healthy Holiday Season Co-Parenting Tips For Stress-Free Visitation

Let’s be clear: divorce and the holidays are a stressful combination, especially in those first several years until both parents and households have created new rhythms and traditions. There is no doubt that the holidays can exacerbate any tensions, stress, or upsets in your co-parenting dynamic. However, as children age, geographic locations change, or other factors evolve over time, you may find the answer to “whose house for the holidays” isn’t as straightforward as it may have seemed.

Here are some tips on how to navigate changing holiday visitation schedules from what’s stated in the child custody agreement, and how to handle upsets in your holiday plans (or requests that might upset the other parent).

1. Use mediation to draft a big picture child custody & visitation agreement

If you’re in the process of creating a child custody and visitation schedule, now’s the time to really think long-term and build in the flexibility that holiday seasons require over the years, as parents’ and children’s needs change over time. Of course, no one-time child custody and visitation agreement can encompass all that will arise from season to season and year to year.

Working with a divorce mediator is an excellent way to minimize tension and angst, creating a neutral ground where complicated decisions can be made or hard conversations can be held, with guidance from an experienced family law professional. We’ll ensure you never lose sight of the fact that your children’s well-being is always the top consideration.

2. The child’s well-being is always the first priority

That is a perfect segue to the core value: your child or children’s well-being is a top priority. What is best for them physically, mentally, and emotionally should always be the guiding light, with both parents working to keep their own preferences and wishes as a second- or third-tier priority.

If you’ve worked with a marriage or family therapist before or during divorce, they will wholeheartedly support working with you both to navigate holiday plans, addressing where kids will be and for how long, with expert and objective input.

Questions for determining how to divide holidays after divorce

With that in mind, here are some things to think about as you and your (ex)spouse navigate holiday visitation scheduling.

What are the current traditions for where you spend holidays, and how might that shape the future plan?
Are there any places or traditions that could remain a joint endeavor without causing conflict or tension? Some families have the ability to spend limited time with extended family members (in-laws) for certain meals or small portions of holiday gatherings, which can be an incredible balm for the kids.
Alternating every other holiday is a standard for many households, but that may not always work. Try to be as flexible and accommodating as you can for your ex’s change requests in the hopes that they’ll honor that when it’s your turn.
Longer breaks may require alternating actual holiday days, with school vacation times divided in ways proportional to a child’s capacity to be away from one parent or another for any length of time. For example, if you have an 80/20 schedule and your child is between three and six years old, they may have a hard time being away from the parent they spend the most time with during extended holiday breaks. This time can be extended as they age and are more comfortable with it.
Changes in a grandparent’s or close relative’s health and well-being may trump where a child spends a holiday in order to maximize their time with that loved one while they can.
What are your children’s preferences? If it’s age-appropriate, ask your children what they feel is fair and honor that if it makes sense – even if it’s not your preference. That said, there has to be a mutual respect for each parent’s right to be with their children over the holidays, so balance is essential.
Don’t forget that traveling with children outside state lines requires written permission from the other parent.

Create a protocol for holiday visitation changes

Child custody and visitation agreements are “the law.” However, family law courts understand that things change, and parents have every right to amend or change these agreements as needed. Clear communication lines are essential to healthy co-parenting.

Always create a written trail of any requested changes. This would include a request for the change (where children will be and for how long) and the other party’s agreement. We recommend using email for changes to what’s stated in your visitation agreement. Text exchanges can be complex to navigate, but they may be all you need if your co-parenting foundation is strong.

Ultimately, however, your ex-spouse must agree to the change. If not, you are beholden to the original child custody agreement. If you’re in a situation where your partner is not cooperative about reasonable changes, it may be time to meet with a family law professional and create a post-judgment modification that reflects the current needs.

Gerard A. Falzone Helps Couples Navigate Holiday Child Visitation & Agreements

Would you like to move forward with a child custody and holiday visitation agreement that honors where your family is now, while also including parameters for inevitable changes down the road?

The Law Offices of Gerard A. Falzone are dedicated to helping families navigate divorce and child custody journeys with integrity and heart. There’s no need to make things any more complicated than they need to be. Using time-honored mediation strategies, our Bay Area family law practice eliminates unnecessary stress, emotional drama, and financial burdens. Contact us to schedule a consultation.

The Emotional Side of Dividing Assets: Handling Sentimental Items in a Divorce

When it comes to the business side of divorce, division of assets is often viewed entirely from a financial lens. However, there is so much more to dividing household items and precious possessions than dollars and cents.

Strategies For Splitting Sentimental Assets During Your Divorce

Deep feelings and sentimental attachment to certain assets or household items make it challenging to hold a big-picture view throughout a complicated process. This can lead to unnecessary tension or animosity, which complicates matters.

Here are some proven strategies for dividing sentimental assets during a divorce, ensuring it feels as fair and balanced as possible—and truly honors the lives you lived together, as well as what matters most to each individual.

1. Use divorce mediation or a collaborative divorce process

Using divorce mediation or agreeing to a collaborative divorce process is the best way to minimize the inevitable tension, power struggles, and drama that often accompany divorce. Having neutral parties present to help you both move through the process graciously is one of the best things you can do for yourselves and any children in the mix.

Both mediation and collaborative divorce models focus on working through the dissolution of marriage with the least drama, anger, stress, and financial strain as possible. It doesn’t need to be the War of the Roses, despite what traditional “My Lawyer vs Their Lawyer” divorce models make it seem like.

By choosing to prioritize the protection of one another and the family’s best interests above all else, you’ve already set the stage to minimize the emotional aspect of dividing assets and to handle the division of sentimental items in the best possible way.

2. Know which assets are shared and which are already yours/theirs

California is referred to as a “community property state.” This means that certain assets are protected from being divided during a divorce. Knowing which assets are shared and which are already considered “yours” or “theirs” may alleviate some of the tension, focusing your attention on the shared assets.

Examples of things that are not shared assets include:

Anything stated and previously agreed upon in a prenuptial agreement (if applicable).
Assets either individual had before you were married.
Inheritances (financial or physical property) by one or the other during the marriage (personal inheritances are not part of the community property pot).
Property owned or deeded to either person before marrying.

Any assets acquired during the marriage are considered equally owned and are typically divided 50/50 during a divorce. And, of course, since things aren’t quite that easy, that’s where it gets complicated – especially if sentimental value is in the mix.

3. Resist any temptation to hide assets

If you have precious items that you want to secret away from the divorce proceedings (“he’ll never miss this anyway”, “she never even used this”, etc.), resist the urge to hide assets. Not only is it against the family law parameters to do so, it can get you into big trouble with the courts if they find out – often resulting in judges handing the asset over to the other spouse or subtracting equal or penalty amounts from the community pot as compensation.

Transparency is always the best way forward, and divorce mediation can help you navigate any choppy waters in between.

4. Find a therapist/counselor you trust

Just as we recommend working through your divorce using a mediator or collaborative divorce lawyer, we also recommend seeking pre-divorce therapy. Working with a therapist you trust—whether individually or together—can make a significant difference in your personal and joint ability to work through difficult feelings and let the long-term outcome take precedence over battles of will or escalations due to rising emotions. Your work with a therapist can help everyone work more cooperatively in striking the right balance of who gets what when the divorce agreement is finalized.

5. Do you have pets?

While pets are not considered “assets,” they do fall under CA’s family law code, and judges can weigh in on where the pets go. Sometimes, while emotional, it’s really clear that one pet is more attached to an individual than another, and so that creates a natural path for who that pet should live with.

If you can’t decide between you, judges also look at things like who spent the most time/energy caring for the pet, the financial responsibility with respect to food, vet bills, etc., or who is best able to tend to the pet’s well-being. If you’re open to it, divorce agreements can also include “pet custody agreements.” However, keep in mind that while this may be more satisfactory for you, it’s not always ideal for the pet. Most veterinarians and trainers agree that pets adapt far better than their human companions to new living arrangements. The pet’s well-being is always a top priority.

If you have children, that should also be a significant factor in where pets live. Pets can be a tremendous emotional support for children during the divorce and as they adjust to their new lives. So, make sure to consider that as well when drafting the coparenting and child custody agreement. For example, if you have one cat and one dog, perhaps each of you takes one of them so your children always have a pet they love in each home. If you just have one dog, maybe that dog goes back and forth between homes at the same time as your child does, so they have a companion with them.

6. Digitize all physical photos and movies

The great news for couples who have lots of old photos and movies/DVDs stored away is that you can take all of that to professionals. For a reasonable fee, they’ll load everything onto Zip drives or external hard drives for you, so you don’t have to worry about losing anything. From there, you can share the cost of printing any photos that you’d like to have framed, etc.

7. Dividing physical possessions (art, mementos, etc.)

When it comes to the division of physical assets, everything is assigned a monetary value. Step one is to create a detailed inventory of all possessions, using receipts, warranties, photos, and appraisals (if necessary).

Whatever one person gets, that same monetary value is added to the other spouse’s asset sheet. That’s all relatively easy for the things that make sense when it comes to who gets what. However, it’s much trickier when sentimental value outweighs monetary value.

The best way to move forward on that front includes one or a combination of mindsets and well-intentioned actions:

Take the high road when you know the other person values something more than you do and let them have it.
Take turns choosing from the “we both love this” and accept that’s the only fair way to do it.
Give everything a number, put the numbers in a bowl, and start drawing them out one by one, accepting that there’s no exactly “fair” way to do it.
If there is a dispute about a family heirloom or piece of jewelry that was given by an in-law relative to the other spouse, and there is an equal emotional charge around who should keep it, it’s typically best kept by the original lineage holder, so it can stay in the family. Another option is to ensure the divorce agreement (and subsequent will/trust) states clearly which child inherits it if children in a blended family make that more complicated.

Again, a mediator is a tremendous ally during this process. We work closely with clients to maintain a calm and balanced approach while determining the fairest way to distribute sentimental assets and items, which often involves compromise on both sides.

The Law Offices of Gerard A. Falzone Help Clients Divide Sentimental Assets With Greater Ease

The Law Offices of Gerard A. Falzone have utilized mediation and collaboration to facilitate the divorce proceedings for over 40 years. We have helped hundreds of couples just like you find ways to divide sentimental assets and belongings with far less stress, drama, or emotional wounding.

If you would like to find a healthier middle path for your divorce, including support in navigating the more emotional decisions and choices, we’re here to help. Schedule a consultation to learn more about how we work and to determine whether divorce mediation is the right path for you.

Secrets to an Amicable Divorce Journey

While a divorce is rarely “easy” in the emotional and logistical sense, the divorce journey can undoubtedly be more amicable than we’re led to believe by the media and our culture at large.

After more than 40 years of working as a Bay Area family law attorney, I’ve mediated and facilitated hundreds of amicable divorces that minimized drama and emotional turmoil, helping each individual land well on the other side.

6 Tips For a Peaceful Divorce and Post-Divorce Experience

Here are the six things that lead to a more amicable divorce journey and a much less stressful co-parenting experience for both parents and children.

1. Seek divorce mediation early on

The traditional divorce proceedings led to far more stress, contention, and expense than necessary. Unless you’re moving forward with a collaborative divorce, when each person hires their own attorney, they are setting the stage to be pitted against one another rather than working towards the least stressful and most holistically healthy way forward.

Instead, consider scheduling an appointment with a divorce mediator early on. A divorce mediator is a family law attorney who serves as a neutral party and a family law expert. In addition to helping you create and file your divorce agreements and child custody/visitation documents, we can also assist you in reaching an agreement in areas or around topics that are contentious or more challenging for you to navigate.

Typically, we do this by serving as a witness to your process and bringing things back on topic when they inevitably stray into other emotionally-charged territory. We can also let you know how a judge would most likely weigh in on areas where you disagree, which can help you to come to a more peaceable compromise. This process keeps people out of the courtroom, which can save you thousands of dollars in wasted time, energy, and money.

Also, in some cases, earlier mediation intervention is powerful and transformative. When couples have a neutral space to really talk about what the divorce will mean, and how things will be afterward, they sometimes realize they don’t want to get divorced at all. Instead, they need good therapy to work through the issues that are keeping them from having the strong, united marriage – and family – they’re capable of being. By waiting too long, things can fester and you can wind up past the point of healing return that would have been possible months or even years ago.

2. Do your emotional homework with a therapist or counselor of some sort

Every single one of your wounds, insecurities, long-harbored issues, etc., is going to come raring out of their hiding place and will loom large if you aren’t careful. This can lead to words, actions, and decisions that are not the best for you, your ex-spouse, or your children, and the lasting effects can be absolutely devastating.

Instead, invest in an experienced family therapist or a similar mental/emotional wellness practitioner to support you through this process. The sooner the better, especially if you have children. Working together toward an amicable divorce journey is one of the most invaluable gifts you can give to your children, and if you aren’t able to do that on your own, seeking therapy before and during the divorce process is a priceless investment. It will also help both of you to be more independent, healthier, and stronger people once you are on your own and rebuilding your individual (and co-parenting) lives.

3. Make healthy co-parenting a priority – no matter what

Speak to any adult child whose parents got divorced, and you’ll hear how awful it was for them. Children want their parents to stay together (almost no matter what). So, regardless of how peaceful or amicable a divorce is, children are going to experience a wide range of powerful emotions that range from sadness and anxiety to self-blame and reduced self-esteem. These emotions are almost always proportional to their parents’ ability to take the high road and practice emotional self-regulation, regardless of the cause of the divorce.

If you have children, healthy co-parenting should be the ultimate priority – without exception. Not only will doing so be better for your children’s current and future well-being, but it will also support a less stressful divorce process.

Speaking ill of the other person, using kids as pawns or for powerplay moves, making decisions based on what’s best for you financially, rather than what’s best for the children, enticing the children to make you the “favorite,” keeping looser boundaries or buying them things to “win” rather than being the parent they need you to be – all of these are par for the course in most divorces.

Rise above, use your therapist and mediator to help you create a solid co-parenting plan, and honor your written/verbal agreements. The more you can do to prepare your children for the divorce, never making promises you can’t keep and keeping the promises you make, the better off they will be.

4. Do not date until after the divorce is final (or until you’ve moved out of the house)

It’s very common for one or both people to start looking for comfort, sexual release, support, and self-esteem in others during a divorce. However, the hurt and betrayal that can result from that can absolutely implode what would have been a less-stressful or more amicable divorce otherwise.

Time passes quickly, and we always advise clients to press pause on dating or intimate liaisons until after the divorce is final. It will be here before you know it, and getting through the divorce with the least stress and emotional harm as possible paves the way for a far more solid post-divorce reality. Also, if you have adolescents, teens, or young adults – odds are they will hold your actions against you, and that can have long-reaching consequences for your parent-child relationship.

5. Honor civility above love or friendship during the divorce

Love and friendship are built and grown on different foundations than divorce. This is not to say that you can’t love the person or that you shouldn’t be friends (later). However, once you’ve embarked on the divorce journey, it’s best to put civility over all of those other relational identities.

By focusing on civility, you maintain a bigger-picture, long-term vision that is about far more than this painful moment. Great harm can be done (and many backwards steps traveled) when emotions get in the way of civil, big-picture thinking. Your mediator or collaborative divorce team is the best ally when it comes to holistically healthy divorce outcomes.

The Law Offices of Gerard A Falzone Use Mediation to Facilitate Amicable Divorces

The Law Offices of Gerard A Falzone are dedicated to facilitating amicable divorce journeys for our clients and their families. Early on, we witnessed the tragic and unnecessary fallout due to contentious divorce proceedings that did not support the client’s and family’s well-being.

Don’t make the divorce process any harder than it needs to be. Schedule a consultation with us to learn more about how our proven divorce mediation process supports clients to achieve more positive outcomes when the final paperwork is signed and filed.

Is Mediation Appropriate For Couples Who Want to Reconcile?

Family law mediation is a special niche of family law, dedicated to helping couples navigate the complexities of separation or divorce for far less money and without the time and energy strain associated with traditional courtroom battles.

However, we’ve seen time and time again how family law mediation also supports couples who are interested in reconciling, and – sometimes – the mediation process is what brings couples back together.

Can Mediation Help to Save Your Marriage via Reconciliation?

All too often, a couple’s decision to get a divorce has far more to do with a marriage in crisis than it does with the actual inability to reconcile. That’s where divorce mediation can help clear muddy waters.

1. Early mediation processes can inspire reconciliation before separation

If there’s one piece of advice we could give any couples considering a separation or divorce, it would be to seek family law mediation ASAP. We’ll expand on why mediation can help support potential reconciliation – even after a divorce is filed or finalized, early mediation is your best bet for the least emotionally traumatic experience.

When couples come into a divorce mediation session on the early side of their process, we have the chance to explore some key questions:

Is there any chance you could restore your marriage?
How do you feel legal separation or divorce benefits you?
What are the cons of divorcing for you, your spouse, and your children?
Understanding that no marriage is perfect, if you thought you could resolve one or two key issues, do you feel you can salvage your marriage and nourish the future relationship?
Are you willing to work with other professionals who may be able to help the crisis areas (financial advisor, family therapist (see below), substance abuse program, etc.)?

Spending some quality time, honestly and openly asking/answering questions like this with the support of a family law professional can shed new light on creative possibilities.

2. Divorce mediation provides a calm eye in the storm

Because divorce mediation lawyers are neutral parties, our office provides a calm eye in the storm, so to speak. Unlike a therapy office (more on that later), where issues are supposed to be aired, worked through, and resolved, divorce mediation helps couples become very clear about the “business” aspects of the divorce (division of assets, distribution of debts, navigating health insurance and other benefit distributions or needs, spousal and child support allocations, child custody and visitation agreements, etc.).

Of course, emotional engagement and expression are a natural part of that process. However, as Bay Area divorce mediators, we help to provide unbiased information about current California divorce and child custody laws, what a judge is likely to decide if a particular area of contention were brought to the courtroom, and creative options that support both parties’ interests – and the best interests of any children in the picture.

It’s not uncommon for couples who participate in divorce mediation sessions to find the space required to really sit with the future implications of their divorce on all aspects of their personal and extended family’s lives, which can result in a plan to reconcile.

3. Referrals to the Bay Area’s best MFTs

Not all therapists are created equal, and the process of trying to find a high-quality therapist while you’re in the pressure cooker of an eroding marriage can be overwhelming. It may take two, three, or even four “first sessions” before you find someone with whom you both feel safe, can trust, and whose methods are effective for both individuals and the couple as a unit. That’s a lot to ask, right?

Fortunately, after decades of providing professional divorce mediation, we have connections with some of the area’s best marriage and family therapists. We are happy to give referrals and always root for couples to work through their issues (if at all possible). The combination of legal mediation and a nurturing space to work through the core issues that are splitting the marriage apart may be what’s needed to find your way back together for a marriage that is stronger than ever.

4. Create calmer waters while you’re still living together

The Bay Area’s high cost of living means that most couples have to live together the entire time they’re getting divorced – or for a significant portion of the process. This can be absolutely excruciating for each of you and any children who live with you.

Without divorce mediation during this time, significant damage can be done in the relationship because there’s no middle ground to navigate the questions, worries, and financial concerns that arise when couples are thinking about separating or have already legally separated and are moving forward with divorce.

Once you’ve hired a family law mediator, you have a space to talk about any questions, concerns, requests, or decisions you’re making. That means you can set firm boundaries and take those conversations off the table when you’re at home. This can alleviate a significant amount of stress and provide more emotional space for clearer-headed decision-making.

5. Mediation focuses on the present and the way forward

Changing and growing are a natural part of the aging process, but they don’t always serve the stability of a marriage if people feel like they’re changing and growing apart – rather than together. So often, marriage therapy focuses on the past and relives hurts – and that has its place. However, with mediation, we look at where individuals are now, and from there, we work on neutral ground to find the best path forward. While separation may be necessary during the process, we can use mediation to explore how to avoid divorce.

When both parties are willing to be completely honest, vulnerable, and engaged in this process, the outcomes can be remarkable. The neutral space provided by divorce mediators honors emotions but doesn’t dwell in them. In this way, individuals often find a more objective space to step outside of themselves and see the other person’s perspective in a new light. From there, reconciliation is often possible.

6. Legal support can help you scaffold reconciliation after a divorce

Is your divorce already filed or finalized? It’s not uncommon for couples to reconsider whether they made the right decision after the divorce is filed or finalized. However, if things were heated enough – and seemed final enough – that you moved that far forward in the process, mediation is a good idea to support your reconciliation.

We can work through the financial, legal, and other decisions you made during the divorce and discuss the financial, legal, and emotional ramifications of reversing those. Mediation is an appropriate path for couples who want to create a new version of their marriage, and this may include making changes in areas such as budgeting and financial management. Family law mediation can help with that.

The Law Offices Of Gerard A. Falzone Provides Mediation For Reconciliation

As a Bay Area family lawyer, I specialized in divorce mediation long before it was made popular. I detested the unnecessary contention and financial drain that are the cornerstones of divorce litigation, and wanted to provide a calmer, more therapeutic, mature, and rational space for couples to explore what separation or divorce would mean for them – and to find the best and healthiest way forward.

So, it’s an absolute joy when I’m able to provide mediation sessions that help individuals find their way back into a stronger and healthier union. Are you considering reconciliation but want to avoid making the same mistakes? Schedule a mediation session with The Law Offices of Gerard A. Falzone.

How to Make Your Next Marriage Unbreakable

After getting divorced, it’s understandable to be somewhat wary or nervous about embarking on another marriage or committed, lifetime partnership. Nobody wants to go through a divorce again, and yet many single adults are deeply desiring of a connected and committed partnership.

So, how can you move forward in a relationship and make plans for a marriage that’s unbreakable?

Happy married couple smiling at the camera

Proactive Steps Help Second Marriages Beat the Statistics

We could assume that second and third marriages would be more successful than first marriages, but they’re not. While current divorce statistics for first marriages are about 43% to 52%, divorce rates for second and third marriages are significantly higher than that, at 67% to 73%.

There are several reasons for this, which include:

Not doing personal and identity work before remarrying.
Failing to emotionally process and repair the emotional landscape or negative family dynamics that remain from the previous divorce(s).
It’s a rebound relationship, and you’re jumping into marriage too fast.
The inability to work with or stay outside of the existing dynamics in your new partner’s family.
Realizing that ultimately, you miss the marriage or family that you had before.

Fortunately, there are things that you can do right now to ensure your next marriage can weather life’s inevitable storms and remain unbreakable.

1. Work with a high-quality therapist individually and as a couple

Personal growth, effective communication skills, emotional processing, and having courageous conversations are all essential to maintaining a thriving partnership. Respect for each other’s individuality is also crucial. Learn how to celebrate and honor differences, rather than let them divide you.

We all have blind spots, and these are a leading factor in divorces. Investing in a high-quality therapist can be integral to ensuring you’ve done a complete job of working through your previous divorce(s) and breakups so that you’re ready to enter a new partnership with a more solid and self-aware foundation.

Seeing someone together is also a wise step because the therapist may ask questions or present potential future conflicts that you might not have thought about otherwise. With their guidance and facilitation, you and your partner can work through these things and see whether marriage is the right next step for both of you.

2. Take your time (especially if there are minor children in the mix)

Yes, you deserve love, happiness, partnership, etc. However, minor children are already rocked from the previous divorce and a divided family. So, as challenging as it can be for you individually, their safety, security, and emotional well-being must always come first. Take your time when it comes to dating, committing to a new partner, and remarrying.

This doesn’t mean you cannot remarry if your children don’t agree with the choice or claim to “hate” your new partner, but it does require moving slowly, communicating with them, and taking your time to foster a trusting relationship with your new partner before you move in together or get married. Your therapist can support this process as well. This may include having sessions with your ex to ensure they can agree to not sabotage your new relationship (which is detrimental to your children’s well-being).

3. Prioritize your co-parenting agreement (making collaborative changes if needed)

Hopefully you have an established co-parenting plan in place. If so, review it. Sometimes what worked – or what was agreed upon – during or immediately after a divorce doesn’t make as much sense or may need to change if you’re planning to remarry.

Just as it was created, any changes have to be cooperatively discussed and decided upon between you and your ex-spouse. This can be tricky, particularly if your ex is touchy about your new partner or plans to move in/remarry. Becuase these agreements are ultimately governed by the courts (especially in terms of custody/visitation) it may be wise to enlist the help of a family law mediator who can support you both in creating agreements that are most in alignment with what the court would ultimately decide.

4. Create an estate plan that reflects your new wishes

It’s also a good idea to meet with a family law professional or estate plan attorney to talk about what makes the most sense for you financially with a new spouse in the picture. This is always important, but especially so if you have children and are blending your family.

Depending on the balance of wealth or assets, you may also want to consider a prenuptial agreement (although an estate plan may be able to play a similar role). This process of discussing financial plans for the future, what would happen to assets if one or the other of you dies, or if you were to divorce are all important conversations that ensure you’re on the same page before you say your official vows.

5. Cultivate your communication and repair skills

Hopefully, if you’ve take time to heal and grow after your first divorce, and you’re committed to taking accountability and changing unhealthy habits, you’ve also strengthened your communication skills. It’s easy to communicate well when things are going well, and not so easy when you’re in the midst of conflict. However, in addition to using healthy communication skills, the most strong and successful couples also cultivate solid relationship repair skills for after an argument – especially when you’re at a complete impasse. Conflicts will arise, and not all are 100% resovable, but your commitment to one another – and repairing the rifts – are what will ultimately make your next marriage unbreakable.

Schedule Pre-Marriage Legal Counseling With Gerard A. Falzone

The Law Offices of Gerard Falzone are dedicated to helping Bay Area couples forge strong, unbreakable marriages and stable family foundations. Our pre-marital legal counseling sessions can help you and your partner go over some of the legal and financial considerations inherent in a second or third marriage that may not arise in your daily conversations.

Contact us to schedule your introductory session; it’s a healthy first step in fostering a solid, healthy, lifetime partnership.

Dating Before Your Divorce Is Finalized: Why It Pays To Wait

dating before your divorce is finalized why it pays to wait For many couples, initiating the divorce paperwork is a final step in a long and drawn-out saga, which is why one or both may already be dating other people or anxious to find love again.

However, whenever possible, we recommend waiting until the divorce paperwork is officially filed—and until the divorce decree is finalized—to ensure it doesn’t come back to haunt you.

5 Reasons To Hold Off On Dating Until A Divorce Is Finalized

While California is considered a no-fault state, there are still several reasons it makes more sense to wait until your divorce is final before starting to date publicly (and that includes being mindful of social media posts).

It’s better for your children’s well-being

If there are children involved, it is best for them if you hold off on dating or introducing them to any romantic interest until your divorce is final. First of all, children can hold quite a bit of hurt, blame, shame, and confusion about the why and how of divorces and what it means for them and the family unit. Bringing someone else into the mix only amplifies those complex feelings, which makes it harder for children to adjust. This is especially true if you and your ex live together until the divorce is complete.

Depending on the age of your children and their understanding, they can think that:

You are a dishonest person, or you chose a new person over them.
They aren’t as important to you as they used to be.
There is a chance that you will eventually leave them to be with someone new (and their family).

Hurt and confused children may blame the new person for the divorce, regardless of whether it was related to your situation. And, if your new partner has children with whom you spend time, your children can feel as if you’re choosing a new family, which is devastating to them.

Waiting until there is a clear and legal divorce in place and until your family is used to the custody/visitation arrangement can support your children’s emotional well-being.

It can make the divorce more contentious (and more expensive)

Divorces are emotionally complicated as it is, and the more contentious they become, the more expensive they can be. Working with a divorce mediator is one of the best ways to minimize drama and tension and move forward in a more seamless and business-like manner, honoring emotions without letting them escalate into war-like conflict. The more heated things become, the more likely it is that they will need lawyers to represent each side, and that can become costly.

Experts estimate that working with a divorce mediator saves couples thousands of dollars compared to divorce cases that proceed to the courtroom. Dating before you’ve moved through a complete divorce process can add fuel to the embers, making it impossible to complete things without a courtroom battle.

It can increase what you have to pay in spousal or child support

In California, most legal professionals and judges rely on a spousal support and child support calculator, both of which can be found on the state’s family law websites. These calculators use an algorithm to determine how much, if anything, is owed by one party to another.

However, because it’s a computer doing the math, the figures it throws out may be more than make sense to you and your partner, and a mediator can help you determine payments that align more with the true everyday picture and each party’s needs. Of course, at any time during the six months leading up to when you file—and when the paperwork is finalized—either party can renege and request a different arrangement.

So, if your ex gave you a bit of a break about what you would owe them but then became triggered by jealousy, anger, or frustration about your dating, you can wind up paying more because they’ll no longer give you the break you initially agreed on.

Also, keep in mind that if you move in with someone before the divorce is final, it can look like you have more means than you do, which can also alter spousal/child support payments because the courts expect the spouses’ or children’s lifestyles to be relatively equal in both households.

It may affect the way the courts view your assets

California is considered a community property state, and (barring legal separation), all of the assets acquired while you are married are split 50/50 until the day your divorce is final. If you start dating someone, and your ex feels that you’re draining assets from joint accounts or that wouldn’t have been spent otherwise, they can fight that and try to recoup their portion of what has been spent.

If you do opt to date before things are finalized, we recommend keeping your expenses at the same level as when you were married. Avoid any large or unusual spending sprees (jewelry, clothing, trips, expensive dinners, cars, etc.), as they can come back to bite you. And, it goes without saying, never hide assets during a divorce.

Minimize personal stress & use the time to heal

Finally, your life leading up to a divorce was anything but easy. And now, during the divorce, stress levels will continue at an elevated rate. Even the most straightforward divorces are still emotionally challenging. Give yourself the gift of solitude, without bringing another human into the mix.

The six months between when you file and when the divorce is finalized provide a perfect window for self-reflection and healing, continued work with a family therapist to establish strong and stable co-parenting processes, and creating new routines and traditions with your children.

Schedule A Mediation Consultation At The Law Offices of Gerard A. Falzone

Family law mediators work to minimize conflict and reduce stress during and after a divorce, and that includes advising clients about why it pays to wait rather than date during a divorce.

If you’re looking for the best way to achieve a quick, stress-free, and seamless divorce process, schedule a mediation consultation with Gerard A. Falzone. The sooner you make solid decisions and agreements, the sooner your divorce will be finalized, and you can begin moving forward with your new life and all that it has to offer.

Creating Seamless Co-Parenting Plans After Divorce

creating seamless co parenting plans after divorce If you have children and are getting divorced, you owe it to them to do all you can to support their mental and emotional well-being through a challenging time. Creating healthy and seamless parenting plans that keep children outside of your interpersonal issues is the best way to foster their security, confidence, and emotional well-being.

After A Divorce: Healthy Co-Parenting Plans After Divorce Is Essential To Children’s Well-Being

It can be difficult to keep children out of the emotionally tangled web that emerges through a divorce. However, doing so is essential if you want your children to thrive.

The good news is that children are resilient, but providing a healthy foundation to develop and grow into that resilience is one of the best things you and your ex-spouse can do for your children (and future grandchildren).

Start making (and modeling) healthy co-parenting agreements before the divorce

It’s not uncommon for Bay Area couples to live together in the same house through the initial divorce proceedings – or for some time thereafter – as decisions are made about finances, who will live where, finding the right places to live, etc. Even so, this is a good time to begin talking about healthy co-parenting agreements that foster:

Clear communication.
Set and predictable child custody/visitation agreements.
Reasonable timelines and processes for communicating/requesting inevitable schedule changes that will occur over time.
Shared household rules/values/boundaries/consequences so things are consistent for children in both households (once you’re in separate spaces).
And so on.

The earlier these things are put into play and modified as needed, the easier it will be for children to feel safe and trust the new arrangement once the divorce is finalized.

Enlist support from family therapists who specialize in divorce

Unless you are part of the very minimal percentage of the population moving through an amicable divorce, we highly recommend seeking support from a family therapist during this next chapter of your life. Even kids who seem like “everything is fine” benefit from an objective, neutral, non-parent figure to help them navigate all that arises through a divorce and for the year afterward.

Experienced therapists do amazing work when it comes to:

Facilitating the development of a customized co-parenting plan and agreement (some of which should involve the children’s input and feelings if it’s age-appropriate to do so).
Identifying feelings and experiences that you may not have picked up on in your children.
Cultivating healthy listening, speaking, and processing skills when things are hard.
Developing the tools that will best serve you when issues come up between you and your ex-spouse or your children over the next year or so of adjustment.

Establishing a relationship with a therapist you trust now means having a trained ally who can step in if and when you need it later on and as things evolve.

Understand how divorce affects children at various ages

Every child is different, but researchers have been able to draw correlations between how children of divorce are affected based on their age when the divorce happened. Understanding what to expect can help you both prepare for how to meet their behaviors or expressions with greater compassion, patience, and understanding, and to have a plan for how to meet those moments.

NOTE: Almost all experts and studies agree that “staying together for the children” is rarely a healthy decision. The longer children live in a dysfunctional family (or under the umbrella of a toxic parent relationship), the worse they fare.

Here is a general synopsis of children’s reactions and experiences of divorce during the first year or so, according to their age. Acting out at home or at school is common for all ages.

Ages 2 – 5: Because children of this age can’t comprehend the concept of divorce, what they experience is that parents can leave. This can make them fearful, and they often tend to blame themselves for the divorce. Do not be surprised if your toddler regresses a bit, which can mean bedwetting, tantrums, long crying spells, etc.
Ages 5 – 8: By this age, children have a greater understanding of what divorce means and may have experienced it through friends with divorced parents. They may still blame themselves, but their filters or direct overhearing of parents’ conversations can cause them to blame a specific parent or to experience inner struggles around loyalty. They are usually still hoping for reconciliation. They experience profound sadness, which can become depression, anxiety, and anger, as well as grief.
Ages 9 – 12: This can be a terrifying time because children ages 9 – 12 are just starting to experience separation from their parents, which brings its own sense of isolation and confusion. They are more apt to understand divorce from different angles. While there may be some self-blame, they’re more apt to express their sadness, grief, and anger directly at one or both parents.
The adolescent and teen years. The adolescent and early teen years are challenging in strong, healthy family units, so divorce exacerbates this. Your child will likely have very strong opinions about who’s to blame and how things should be handled. Depression and anxiety are likely, and children at this stage are more likely to start acting out, distrust any relationship, have suicidal thoughts, and be at risk for more delinquent behaviors.

Speak to your ex-spouse about your child(ren), where they are at, and how they are likely to experience the divorce in their inner and outside lives, and create a united plan that supports various scenarios or issues as they arise.

Talk about future triggers and how to handle them

Depending on the nature of your divorce, it may seem impossible to think about things like dating, remarriage, the addition of other children into the mix, the birth of a new baby, potential relocation, etc. However, all of these things are unpredictable – but very possible – in the two to five years or so after a divorce.

It’s always best to honestly communicate with one another, alerting the other parent to any changes on the horizon, before the children find out, so you can both be on the same page about how to present new information and handle potential fallout.

Honor the co-parenting agreement (re-evaluating & amending as needed)

Once that co-parenting agreement is in place, honor it. The agreement you have about how to handle parenting, visitation, child custody schedules, finances, etc., is all there to support your children’s well-being. It is not a place to wield power or passively-aggressively handle interpersonal issues.

If the agreement no longer serves the situation, you can amend it. If you’re in a good place, this can be done together and in writing, so there is a new, clear agreement for reference. If you’re experiencing tension or disagreement, seek support from a family law mediator who can help things move forward smoothly and with the least conflict.

The Law Offices of Gerard A. Falzone Help Couples Establish Healthy Parenting Plans

Would you like support creating a healthy coparenting agreement that facilitates seamless parenting after your divorce? Good for you for putting your children first.

The Law Offices of Gerard A. Falzone have more than 40 years of experience helping Bay Area couples navigate divorce and child custody using mediation to minimize stress, toxicity, and the unnecessary expenditure of energy and money that goes into non-mediated divorces. Get in touch with us to schedule a time to sit down. Together, we’ll create personalized agreements that help your post-divorce family thrive.