While a divorce is rarely “easy” in the emotional and logistical sense, the divorce journey can undoubtedly be more amicable than we’re led to believe by the media and our culture at large.
After more than 40 years of working as a Bay Area family law attorney, I’ve mediated and facilitated hundreds of amicable divorces that minimized drama and emotional turmoil, helping each individual land well on the other side.
6 Tips For a Peaceful Divorce and Post-Divorce Experience
Here are the six things that lead to a more amicable divorce journey and a much less stressful co-parenting experience for both parents and children.
1. Seek divorce mediation early on
The traditional divorce proceedings led to far more stress, contention, and expense than necessary. Unless you’re moving forward with a collaborative divorce, when each person hires their own attorney, they are setting the stage to be pitted against one another rather than working towards the least stressful and most holistically healthy way forward.
Instead, consider scheduling an appointment with a divorce mediator early on. A divorce mediator is a family law attorney who serves as a neutral party and a family law expert. In addition to helping you create and file your divorce agreements and child custody/visitation documents, we can also assist you in reaching an agreement in areas or around topics that are contentious or more challenging for you to navigate.
Typically, we do this by serving as a witness to your process and bringing things back on topic when they inevitably stray into other emotionally-charged territory. We can also let you know how a judge would most likely weigh in on areas where you disagree, which can help you to come to a more peaceable compromise. This process keeps people out of the courtroom, which can save you thousands of dollars in wasted time, energy, and money.
Also, in some cases, earlier mediation intervention is powerful and transformative. When couples have a neutral space to really talk about what the divorce will mean, and how things will be afterward, they sometimes realize they don’t want to get divorced at all. Instead, they need good therapy to work through the issues that are keeping them from having the strong, united marriage – and family – they’re capable of being. By waiting too long, things can fester and you can wind up past the point of healing return that would have been possible months or even years ago.
2. Do your emotional homework with a therapist or counselor of some sort
Every single one of your wounds, insecurities, long-harbored issues, etc., is going to come raring out of their hiding place and will loom large if you aren’t careful. This can lead to words, actions, and decisions that are not the best for you, your ex-spouse, or your children, and the lasting effects can be absolutely devastating.
Instead, invest in an experienced family therapist or a similar mental/emotional wellness practitioner to support you through this process. The sooner the better, especially if you have children. Working together toward an amicable divorce journey is one of the most invaluable gifts you can give to your children, and if you aren’t able to do that on your own, seeking therapy before and during the divorce process is a priceless investment. It will also help both of you to be more independent, healthier, and stronger people once you are on your own and rebuilding your individual (and co-parenting) lives.
3. Make healthy co-parenting a priority – no matter what
Speak to any adult child whose parents got divorced, and you’ll hear how awful it was for them. Children want their parents to stay together (almost no matter what). So, regardless of how peaceful or amicable a divorce is, children are going to experience a wide range of powerful emotions that range from sadness and anxiety to self-blame and reduced self-esteem. These emotions are almost always proportional to their parents’ ability to take the high road and practice emotional self-regulation, regardless of the cause of the divorce.
If you have children, healthy co-parenting should be the ultimate priority – without exception. Not only will doing so be better for your children’s current and future well-being, but it will also support a less stressful divorce process.
Speaking ill of the other person, using kids as pawns or for powerplay moves, making decisions based on what’s best for you financially, rather than what’s best for the children, enticing the children to make you the “favorite,” keeping looser boundaries or buying them things to “win” rather than being the parent they need you to be – all of these are par for the course in most divorces.
Rise above, use your therapist and mediator to help you create a solid co-parenting plan, and honor your written/verbal agreements. The more you can do to prepare your children for the divorce, never making promises you can’t keep and keeping the promises you make, the better off they will be.
4. Do not date until after the divorce is final (or until you’ve moved out of the house)
It’s very common for one or both people to start looking for comfort, sexual release, support, and self-esteem in others during a divorce. However, the hurt and betrayal that can result from that can absolutely implode what would have been a less-stressful or more amicable divorce otherwise.
Time passes quickly, and we always advise clients to press pause on dating or intimate liaisons until after the divorce is final. It will be here before you know it, and getting through the divorce with the least stress and emotional harm as possible paves the way for a far more solid post-divorce reality. Also, if you have adolescents, teens, or young adults – odds are they will hold your actions against you, and that can have long-reaching consequences for your parent-child relationship.
5. Honor civility above love or friendship during the divorce
Love and friendship are built and grown on different foundations than divorce. This is not to say that you can’t love the person or that you shouldn’t be friends (later). However, once you’ve embarked on the divorce journey, it’s best to put civility over all of those other relational identities.
By focusing on civility, you maintain a bigger-picture, long-term vision that is about far more than this painful moment. Great harm can be done (and many backwards steps traveled) when emotions get in the way of civil, big-picture thinking. Your mediator or collaborative divorce team is the best ally when it comes to holistically healthy divorce outcomes.
The Law Offices of Gerard A Falzone Use Mediation to Facilitate Amicable Divorces
The Law Offices of Gerard A Falzone are dedicated to facilitating amicable divorce journeys for our clients and their families. Early on, we witnessed the tragic and unnecessary fallout due to contentious divorce proceedings that did not support the client’s and family’s well-being.
Don’t make the divorce process any harder than it needs to be. Schedule a consultation with us to learn more about how our proven divorce mediation process supports clients to achieve more positive outcomes when the final paperwork is signed and filed.