The long-standing emotional impacts of a divorce are one of the least tended to when a couple – and family – is going through after finalizing a divorce. One of these impacts is the forced abandonment of shared dreams, and what that means for redefining your future and that of your divided (and future-blended) family.
While pursuing divorce mediation can go a long way toward sparing unnecessary drama, stress, and damaging emotional fallout for adults and children, there is still the inevitable loss of both individual and shared dreams. These losses are impactful, and we highly recommend taking time to honor them, find ways to let go, and then create new plans and dreams that redefine the future you’re creating.
Steps For Honoring The Losses Inherent in a Divorce & Stepping Into the Future
According to the California divorce courts, the average divorce takes at least six months from start to finish (from the time you file your divorce papers until the divorce is legally finalized. However, for most couples – barring lengthy court or custody battles – the average time between deciding you’re getting divorced and the day the divorce is final averages closer to one year or more.
By the time a divorce is final, there’s typically a tremendous amount of water under the bridge. And, despite anyone’s best efforts to minimize drama and negative emotional impacts, the dissolution of a marriage – and the dividing of a family – results in the loss of dreams.
Some of the most common dreams impacted by a divorce include things like:
- Having a marriage that was as satisfying as others you’ve observed, such as your grandparents, your own parents, or other relatives, friends, or loved ones.
- Growing old with the one you love.
- Intimate companionship.
- Having children.
- Raising your children in a united, single household.
- Having the same type of relationship with in-laws and family friends associated with your ex.
- Financial security now and into retirement.
- Aging-in-place in the same home.
- Enjoying the shared family traditions that were part of your family’s – and the extended families’ – culture.
- Access to memory-generating “assets: that may not have been yours (vacation homes, boats, etc.)
- The unfolding of holidays and family events without the added layer of deciding things like “who’s going where, with whom.”
- And so on.
Long after a divorce, many people still experience an acute level of grief related to the process and the long-term sacrifices resulting from the dissolution of a marriage, shared household, and family.
After more than 40 years working as a Bay Area divorce and child custody mediator, I’ve seen how the following steps can support individuals and couples emotionally and spiritually as they navigate and move beyond divorce in healthy and vibrant ways.
1. Work with a family therapist from the beginning (if possible)
Whenever possible, I highly recommend couples work with an experienced marriage and family therapist. Because divorce mediators work tirelessly to minimize stress and unnecessary emotional fallout along the way, we can provide high-quality referrals for divorce therapists in your area.
Beyond the idea of “saving the marriage,” family therapists can help you identify the losses associated with the divorce process. This includes the loss of individual and shared dreams that are no longer possible – at least not in the same way you originally dreamed them – now that you and your ex-spouse are going your separate ways.
If you have children, this step is especially important because they don’t always realize the way the legacy of divorce will follow them throughout their lives. For example, your divorce means something different when it comes to “having their family with them” for important events and milestones, like holidays, graduations, weddings, the birth of their children, and so on. Working as a family to recognize and honor these dreams can help tremendously when it comes to making sense of difficult feelings down the road.
2. Consider attending a divorce grief group
In almost all cases, divorces create some level of grief in all parties involved. Depending on the situation, and whether or not you have children, this can also include feelings of guilt, abandonment, or can trigger feelings of worthlessness or a lack of self-confidence.
While your therapist can help you and your family on an individual and shared level, it can be especially helpful to navigate these feelings with others who are going through the same thing. Many clients find that attending Bay Area divorce support groups provides a tremendous amount of solace as they navigate the process and the weeks and months afterward. Children can also find it helpful to meet with others their age because these topics aren’t typically discussed at school – and most won’t be open about things with their friends.
The post-divorce world can feel very isolating and lonely. Depending on your age or stage of lif,e you can feel like you’re the only one. This is particularly true for parents with young children or divorcing couples who are close to or post-retirement. Children almost always have some sense of “everyone else’s parents are together…” despite the fact that statistics tell us otherwise.
If attending a group isn’t appealing, use other search terms for activities specifically dedicated to divorced adults or children of divorce. Churches and spiritual centers are also spaces that tend to honor the losses and grief associated with divorce. Meeting with a facilitated group of others who are walking the same path as you and your other family members can be tremendously supportive and nourishing at this tender time.
3. Create rituals to “let go” of the dreams that will no longer come to fruition
Thinking about and talking about things can only do so much. Sometimes, people find greater relief and comfort in engaging in more embodied practices that honor what has been lost in the breakup of a household and family.
If you embark on therapy or support groups to work with letting go of your dreams, there is a good chance they may have practices, rituals, or group activities that help to facilitate that process for you. If not, there are plenty of opportunities to create your own rituals.
If your ex-spouse (and children) are willing, this can be something you can all do together – in addition to any divorce rituals or actions that make sense individually or for the new family units (dad/kids, mom/kids, etc.).
Here are some resources to begin thinking about rituals or practices that might help you and your family let go of dreams and move forward into the new reality in ways that speak to you:
For many, something as simple as writing a journal entry about the dreams you’ve had that are lost and then burning that letter in a fire can be a way to symbolize the end of one chapter and the beginning of another.
4. Inviting in the new
Sometimes, dreams are truly lost for good – with no other way to reclaim them. Other times, dreams evolve or morph into a different version of themselves. And, of course, with the dissolving of one dream (or a set of dreams), there is also the space and opportunity to set new plans and dreams in motion.
As you grieve what’s lost, also make time to think about what you’d like to look forward to or “step into” in this next phase of your life. Perhaps there are hobbies you never had a chance to try, places you never visited, or life paths you’ve previously passed by because they didn’t interest your mate. Now is the time to begin imagining what’s next for you.
Keep in mind that if you are in the early stages of your divorce or post-divorce journey, it may be too soon for this. You’ll need to allow plenty of time to be present with and honor your current losses – and this time varies from person to person. However, over time, begin paying attention to what lights you up, moves you, or puts a smile on your face without thinking about it. Think about the interests and dreams you used to have that never came to fruition becuase you were married. Take little steps into those spaces and follow the threads. Paying attention to what brings you joy over time is the first step in creating new dreams and new plans to define the future.
Working With a Divorce Mediator Supports the Emotional Letting Go Processes
The Law Offices of Gerard A. Falzone specializes in divorce mediation as well as collaborative divorce alternatives in order to help couples and families navigate a more stress-free and emotionally supportive process. In addition to helping you make decisions that enhance quality of life during and after this tender time, we can also put you in touch with therapists, counselors, and other Bay Area organizations that can help you and your family let go of shared dreams and begin redefining your future. Contact us to schedule a consultation.