The holidays are supposed to be one of the most wonderful times of the year, especially for children. However, children of divorced parents often dread the holidays because fielding the issues between their parents creates stressful, guilt-ridden, and anxious situations. 

If you are divorced, never underestimate what a wonderful gift it can be to ensure children have equal access to both parents – and traditions – especially in those initial, post-divorce years.

If navigating the holidays after a divorce feels stressful for you, or you can sense a storm brewing, consider scheduling a session with a family law mediator who can neutrally facilitate deep conversations that guide you both towards a mutually healthy plan for your children.

Prioritize the Children’s Well-Being When Making Child Visitation Plans Over the Holidays

As a career, Bay Area divorce and child custody mediator, I know first-hand how vital it is to prioritize the children’s mental and emotional well-being when getting divorced. 

Yes, kids are resilient, but countless studies highlight the benefits of healthy co-parenting agreements for children’s long-term success. How you handle the holidays – including sacrificing some of the things you want to protect the good of the whole – has a significant impact on your children’s futures – including the ability to look back with wonder at how well their parents navigated the post-divorce waters.

2. Preserve their favorite traditions whenever possible (including time spent with in-laws)

When you’re navigating holidays and other rites of passage with children after a divorce, “rise above your personal horizon” is a wise mantra to follow. All of the water under the bridge between your spouse and you has absolutely nothing to do with your children. They deserve to have clear, loving, and supportive relationships with both parents.

Sometimes that can mean being gracious enough to give a little more than you want so that they can have more time with your spouse and their extended family. For example, perhaps this is the year your out-of-state in-laws are coming to visit, and your child wants more time with them. Sadly, grandparents don’t usually have rights in divorce cases, which can negatively impact a very nourishing relationship and support system for children in a split household. In this scenario, it may shift the arrangement already established in your child custody agreement about which house it is for the holidays this year.

Or, it might mean attending a shared religious or spiritual ceremony using tactful decorum while in the same space as your ex. Depending on the situation, it might mean bending the time frame a bit to support your child’s favorite activities or customs. Whatever the case may be, do your very best to honor the children’s needs and wishes, and to keep them free of turbulent relational waters that shouldn’t be theirs to navigate. 

And, as always, any changes to the legal child custody/visitation agreement should be stated in writing (email is always better than text) with a written response from the other party). 

2. Keep new partners out of the equation if it’s a trigger

We always recommend waiting until after a divorce is final before dating. But, even so, the first year or two may not be the best ones for trying to integrate new partners and their families unless your children are 100% on board. That is less common, in my experience. 

It can be very confusing for children, especially if they are still grieving your divorce. Also, if that triggers their other parent, your children inevitably end up in those choppy waters we mentioned above – and that’s not fair. You can find plenty of windows or opportunities to have honorary holiday celebrations and moments with a new partner outside the traditional mix for the first year or two, after which there are healthy ways to navigate a blended family dynamic.

3. Keep holiday budgets the same in both households

Unfortunately, parents who feel guilty about the divorce – or who want to “win” – use material objects to buy their way into their children’s better graces. This is highly damaging to children and their future perspectives on healthy relationships. You can ask any adult child who lived through a divorce, and they’ll tell you they knew exactly who was trying to ply their affection using looser rules or by giving them everything they wanted in the material sense. It’s not a good plan.

We recommend keeping the holiday budget for the kids the same as it would have been if you were still married and living in the same household. Depending on the financial situation, this may mean that one of you spends a bit more, as a 50/50 split of expenses may not be possible. When possible and as long as things remain cooperative, it’s a good idea to present the “bigger ticket gifts” together so the gift is received unilaterally. Then, smaller gifts or stocking stuffers can be given at either person’s home when the holiday is observed.

4. Make quality time with your kids the priority

Beyond the divorce, the holidays can be a tremendous trigger for many adults due to issues within their own nuclear family dynamics. Holidays are also typically a stretch on the budget and lead to an overly packed calendar, all of which can exacerbate feelings of anxiety or pressure.

However, as we’ve highlighted several times already, your children’s well-being is the priority. If that means staying home this year from crazy holiday functions, hooray! 

Intentionally spend some quality time:

• Snuggle up on the couch and spend some quality time playing cards, games, or watching favorite holiday movies. 
• Take a sunset drive (or walk) to tour the community’s holiday decorations.
• Take a half-day or use a weekend to drive to see the snow, support your local theater/dance troupes, and see live productions of The Nutcracker, A Christmas Story, A Christmas Carol, and other iconic productions. 
• Cook or bake together – even if neither of you is a proven cook/baker – and enjoy the nonstop giggles and jokes. 
• Have a PJ dance party. 
• Head to a favorite restaurant or coffee shop and enjoy a phone-free meal!

Ultimately, the holidays are all about love, connection, and memory-making – and ensuring that your children have time to do that with you AND your ex-spouse is one of the best ways to honor and model those values.

Gerard A. Falzone Helps Divorced Families Create Holiday Plans Honor Access to Both Parents

As a Bay Area family law professional specializing in mediation, I’ve helped hundreds of families create holiday plans that ensure kids have access to both parents. I’m in the business of helping families thrive after a divorce, and I’m happy to work with you and your ex-spouse to do the same.

Are you interested in finding creative ways to navigate the holidays after a divorce? Do you agree that the best gift to give to your kids in a divorce is access to both parents, but you’re having a hard time making it happen? You are not alone. The Law Offices of Gerard A. Falzone are here to accompany you as we create plans for strong, healthy, and thriving post-divorce families – especially during the holiday season. Contact us to schedule a pre-holiday consultation and keep the holidays as joy-filled as possible.